Depression

Despite the clouds I’m feeling pretty good.

It must be fall in Seattle if you can no longer see the Space Needle through the dense clouds.

Now more than ever it is time for my happy late to be built into my daily routine, which ✅ totally nailed today! Thanks to Alexa and her handy dandy technology that I use to automate my life. It is so much easier to be bipolar in 2018 then it was in 2003 when technology like this didn’t exist, and the label of bipolar didn’t really exist like it does today.

I had a good day today. I went to the gym after work and flirted with some really attractive guys. Wow.. But hey.. they can spot me anytime. Just sayin.

I’m love being single. Absolutely love it. I’m lean, I’m gaining control of my life, and I look good naked. FINALLY!

What did I do to cause this?

Well.

– I gave up drinking 2 years ago

– I joined a gym across the street from my career

-I logged into WW every day and logged my food

-I posted on WW Connect daily A) for attendance and B.) to let ppl know I’m still alive.. 2017 was a dark year for me. 2018 started out really dark, but in the end turned out to be the year of my lifetime.

I’m not perfect, and I’m not trying to be anymore. I tried chasing perfection and I ended up with nothing but debt and depression. Perfection is flawed. It’s fake.

Be well World. Chase your happiness. I’m chasing mine

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Depression, Nourishing the soul, Suicide Prevention, Weight Watchers

So much for a “Rest day..”

I have a pretty slick work out schedule these days.  I go to this gym across the street from my career which means I am out of excuses for why I cannot go to the gym today.   This is especially true since I no longer own a car and have to walk by the gym every day just to get home. 🙂  Pretty reMarkable huh?  I think so!  Why would you want a gym membership across town if you have one right next to your career land?  I’m happy about that!  Plus it’s a full gym and offers these sensational views of Puget Sound from the treadmills.  I often time get to spend my others rush-hour in traffic on the weight bench, glancing out the window and seeing the ferries leave from Seattle and sail away to the various islands of Puget Sound.

It’s been six days also without diet coke!!  It’s been pretty easy, except for every morning I’ve woken up at 3AM to an excruciating headache.  I’ve been taking some Aleve and nodding back to bed, but I know this too will pass.  I just have to remember what my dad told me when I quit smoking eight years ago.  “Marko, you’re the only goal for today is to not have a cigarette.”   He was right.  When you break down a habit that you want to break you can simplify it and make it easier to work with.  “Marko, your only goal for today is to not drink any soda.”  Notice any.  It’s not about diet coke anymore, it’s about any, and ALL soda is being rid from my system.   As an aspiring bodybuilder, I decided that it was time to give up the diet coke if I want to achieve a better body.  Plus the chemicals in Diet Coke are terrible.  But I get it.  It’s addicting and delicious.  I’ve been settling on sparkling water lately.  La Croix is old news.. Pepsi makes bubbly, and it’s equally delicious and often half the cost.  The 3 for $10 at local grocery stores is not a good deal when you look at the other brands newer to the market.  I hate drinking water, always have. In fact, I drank diet coke over water. Ugh. No more… Six days sober of Diet Coke & most importantly six days since Aspartame last entered my body.  Side note, I got 15K steps today.  I didn’t plan on it. In fact, I purposely bussed everywhere I could because I’m monitoring my muscle gain and cardio rate.  15K is much more sensible. I often think of 20K-25K steps a day I’m burning muscle when I don’t want to be.  IDK, it’s a mixed bag of arguments on that topic.  Oh well, I’m just gonna keep pushing and pulling and doing my best every day.  It’s why God put me here.  Do your best and love your neighbor.

As a manic depressive, and bipolar type 2 individual I have to keep my life in routines or else I run the risk of breaking down into a manic episode.  When I have a manic episode, I’m not shouting at the top of my lungs on the street corner, or going psychosis.  Instead, I’m lined up at Best Buy buying everything I can lay my hands on because my self-moral is in the toilet.  If I ever tell you I went to best buy, ask me how my depression is going.  I tend to shop when I have a depressive episode.  I will often try anything to feel better.  Ice Cream. Ben & Jerrys. When I am depressed, I will empty a pint a night of Ice Cream and the next day be sick to my stomach in regret.  Except now, I know that I work so hard at the gym for the results I want to drive that eating the ice cream just isn’t worth it anymore.  Instead, I’ve been grabbing those Outshine bars that are like 60 sweet calories and being 95 in Seattle, it’s delicious.

I’m so happy to be back blogging!  Oh, I’ve missed it, but I’ve been focusing on my videos.  To all my Stigma Unraveled fans welcome to the new generation of self-happiness.

Thank you, Jesus, for giving me the inspiration to do this and to follow my dreams.

Have a reMarkable Thursday

Mark

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Debt, Depression, Finances

Half awake and almost dead

Borders and horizon lines

We’re alone but side by side

We’re yet to dream, we’re yet to dream

Nothing here is what it seems

Oh, oh

Oh, oh

There’s an animal inside

There’s a fear that won’t subside

Of all the things I’ll never do

Will I ever follow through?

There’s an animal inside

There’s an animal inside

Half awake and almost dead

Keeping empty beds elsewhere

We’re yet to bleed, we’re yet to bleed

All the time and energy

Oh, oh

Oh, oh

Could we try to reinvent

Feed the head with common sense

Through the streets and avenues

I’m climbing up the walls with you

Climbing up the walls with you

I’m climbing up the walls with you

Half awake and almost dead

Keeping empty beds elsewhere

We’re yet to bleed, we’re yet to bleed

All the time and energy

Oh, oh

Oh, oh

And if we could be still, still, be still

If we could be still, still, be still

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Daily Prompt, Depression, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Suicide Prevention, Uncategorized, Weight Watchers

Alone & Vulnerable. You'll never guess what I found.

Today I needed to send out a powerful message that I’ve been harnessing in my soul when I made a discovery earlier this week that if I was weak or didn’t have skills in place I would have been an easy target.  I decided to clean the pantry and I found about .5 of a tall bottle vodka that was from Costco.  It was Kirkland signature and half gone.

 

NOOOOO!!

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I actually wanted to prove to myself that I could pour everything down the train, so I pulled out my phone and started recording the profound moment.  I now have a video that I can go back to my weakest moments and recount the reasons that I announced why I was doing this.  I posted this on Weight Watchers because I made it for the Connect tribe and it was a force of positive force that came with it.

Well – It was the easiest decision I made.

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Every day that I do not drink is every day that I am stronger.  I’m stronger now than I was 12 hours ago when I made the video. NSV = Non Scale Victory.. For WW followers, we’re big on NSV’s! They’re HUGE for us.


 

I don’t want to die young.  I don’t want to be depressed.  I don’t want to be manic. I don’t want this life but I have no choice.

Suicide is not an answer.

I am thrilled to announce that I will be featuring two guest bloggers on my site between now and the end of February.  I’ve chosen these individuals because of the path of freedom they have pursued and how their faith keeps them tied to the ground.

Oh yeah. Here is my progress I’m making with my weight management.

 

 

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Technology, Weight Watchers

Thank you for the love you've shown me.

Dear friends,

I wanted to take this moment and reach out to all of my followers and say thank you wholeheartedly for all the love that you have shown me over the past month since I started my this blog.  To my friend Travis (https://travisandthebrain.wordpress.com), I am absolutely honored to be nominated for the Liebster Award.  This is my first honest attempt at documenting my life and I am forever thankful for the nomination and I definitely am committed to doing everyday for the rest of my life.  I’m not really an award type of individual, in fact I’ve never been recognized really ever for my hard work except for my parents.  Do me a favor, and give Travis a shout out as I know him and his wife Christina are really working hard at getting our voices heard.

I planned on writing more but I have no power and I’m uploading this all from my iPhone.  I just wanted to share with you a quick video and to show you just how wet it was today.  I made it home finally and I’m safe.  That’s all that matters.

To my depression: I really dislike you but we must get along if we’re going to survive.

Yours,

Taylor