ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Daily Prompt, Depression, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Suicide Prevention, Uncategorized, Weight Watchers

Alone & Vulnerable. You'll never guess what I found.

Today I needed to send out a powerful message that I’ve been harnessing in my soul when I made a discovery earlier this week that if I was weak or didn’t have skills in place I would have been an easy target.  I decided to clean the pantry and I found about .5 of a tall bottle vodka that was from Costco.  It was Kirkland signature and half gone.

 

NOOOOO!!

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I actually wanted to prove to myself that I could pour everything down the train, so I pulled out my phone and started recording the profound moment.  I now have a video that I can go back to my weakest moments and recount the reasons that I announced why I was doing this.  I posted this on Weight Watchers because I made it for the Connect tribe and it was a force of positive force that came with it.

Well – It was the easiest decision I made.

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Every day that I do not drink is every day that I am stronger.  I’m stronger now than I was 12 hours ago when I made the video. NSV = Non Scale Victory.. For WW followers, we’re big on NSV’s! They’re HUGE for us.


 

I don’t want to die young.  I don’t want to be depressed.  I don’t want to be manic. I don’t want this life but I have no choice.

Suicide is not an answer.

I am thrilled to announce that I will be featuring two guest bloggers on my site between now and the end of February.  I’ve chosen these individuals because of the path of freedom they have pursued and how their faith keeps them tied to the ground.

Oh yeah. Here is my progress I’m making with my weight management.

 

 

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Daily Prompt, Debt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Technology, Weight Watchers, YNAB

Accepting what you cannot change.

I saw this tonight and just started laughing.  I love you, Mom.  Whenever you find this post know that I love you to the moon and back.  Nothing will ever change that.

 

I own my disorders.  I own my mental illness.

I own my actions.  I own all my flaws.  I own my history.

I owe it to the world to blog and share my spark with the Universe.  If I have 500 million voices in my head then I can give 500 million future depressed souls my energy and ignite a storm of discussion and positive affirmations in a safe environment.

 

May Monday be forever in your favor.

 

Accepting Yourself! Anxiety, depression, and any other “gifts” you may have. (Don’t blame your mother. It’s not her fault or yours either!)

via Anxiety, Depression, And other “Gifts” You May Have — Psychology Today – Depression

 

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Technology, Weight Watchers, YNAB

Mind the gap

I awake at 5am for my day job and I’m usually on the train to downtown Seattle by 6am. Or at least I aspire to. 🙂 actually fuck off depression, I do well at this. It’s so funny how depression will sneak up on you at a wolf space and steal your positive affirmation moment.

I win. You lose WOLF.

I remember one morning last week where I was on my way out the door and as I was putting on my backpack I saw a segment on Today talking about mindfulness. I’ve never heard about “mindfulness” before so I jotted it down and told myself I’d google it later. Yoga for the brain? What is this? Naturally it peaked my interests immediately because I heard the key words during the segment: relief from depression, remove anxiety, reduce inflammation, keep talking you have my full attention now.

Mindfulness so they say. I actually have headspace which if you watched the TED talk that person is the cofounder or Headspace which is a meditation app for iOS and android devices. I think I only know about headspace from a $75 impulsive year subscription that I couldn’t afford..yet somehow convinced myself I needed it and like other impulsive purchases I’ve hardly used it. If maybe once. What a shame.

Again with these stupid obtrusive thoughts. It’s not a shame Wolf! It’s me taking a moment to reflect and feel emotion. That article I received a few days ago from my good friend really resonated. I have an entire pack of wolves in my head that really want to take over but up until recently I’ve been rejecting them at every opportunity.

Today I saw the movie “Molly’s game”

and I’m a big Jessica Chastin fan so if you really want to watch a mindfuck of a great movie I highly recommend it. Her dad was a therapist too! The similarities of our childhoods was striking. The words that were used, the phrases used, the arrogant behaviors all existed and that really impacted me.

As I live through my blogging life there have been a swell of emotions that come back from the archives. Not only is it an enlightening experience to achieve it’s also a completely validating and positive affirmation that I do for myself. My therapist is beyond the moon estatic that I’m blogging, 8 months sober, and working on implementing CBT into my life and putting it into creative form on WordPress.

In all reality I haven’t felt this good in ages. The depression is low, my moods are stable and my impulsive thoughts and actions are at an all time low. I think I’m ready to tackle the gym next week. I don’t know what I’m so afraid of. I really know that running does amazing this for the soul.. I should know.. I’ve ran one full marathon which is 26.2 miles and I’ve competed in 14 half marathons which is 13.1 miles. I’m not really interested in running again..it really hurts! And at 6’4″ it’s really painful. Maybe I’ll stick to cardio.. I’m such a cardio queen. Ugh. No muscle in my body whatsoever. As a runner in my years past lifting was stupid because muscle would burn first during running… so I just focused on something I couldn’t fail at. I don’t know now. Maybe if lifted I would look better naked. Hmm..

I feel like I’m a muscle stud with a 6 pack in my head with racing thoughts and voices but on the outside I’m a sloth that spills popcorn all over him self at the movies.

I need to find my motivation.

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Daily Prompt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Technology, Weight Watchers, YNAB

Bipolar & Unstable. If you could hit rewind, would you?

I may be way too young for this post however I feel that it important for me to be able to differentiate the ideas I thought life would be like compared to what it actually was like for me.. You may disagree with some of my items but that’s totally fine! This is taken from the life experiences of a 32 year old bipolar manic depressive.

#10.) You seriously need to budget.

This is ridiculously true. Often times when I was younger my parents would always stress into my head the importance of budgeting and how to manage your funds appropriately… Well… Who the F was a going to listen with how to abide by your own means when you’re 18?? You just want out! You want to learn life experiences for yourself and not because someone told you to do it. Thats not life!

#9) Seriously, you’re not defined by what you own. This is a big one for me. As a depressed individual I would tell you that my happiness is purely based on items purchased.. Not items I own.. perhaps that’s because I’ve learned how unhappy I am with what I own. For the longest period in my life I felt like whatever I owned was never good enough because I could never be happy without this.

Thought: Unless you have the latest Mac you’re an absolute loser.

I’m not kidding either.. Growing up I wasn’t poor by any means but I didn’t realize until later in my years how much my parents tried their best to provide for my family. I had plenty of food on the table growing up and shiny Christmas presents but inside my head I was uncontrollable and so jealous of what every other kid got for Christmas for owned. I believed that if you had the newer car, or the bigger house you naturally were richer.. What a load of shit. Thats the farthest thing from the truth!

#8) If you struggle with depression DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL.

I couldn’t wait to turn 21 so I could gamble (legal age in Arizona) and drink alcohol like the rest of my friends! If I didn’t drink I was the loser.. That was my thought pattern because at the end of the day all I wanted was to be liked… Liked for all the wrong reasons. Liked for all the corrupt reasons that existed in my head. I didn’t realize until I quit drinking eight months ago just how bad alcohol was for me. If you are depressed please avoid drinking.. Alcohol is a depressant.. if you struggle with depression your life will be a lot more stable when you’re not drinking. I know this for a fact. I’m living the sober journey and it sucks that I can’t do the social things that I use to do.. Like grab a beer with friends.. Or have drinking games.. The social aspect of drinking I definitely miss, but I don’t miss the hangover, or the addiction, or the mania associated with alcoholism.

#7) It’s okay to have a couple of friends.. You don’t need 100.

As an ENFJ (Myers Briggs) it was natural for me to want to be the social one and want to have a million friends.. let’s be honest.. Do you really care about all those “friends?” No. Do they care about me really?? Probably not… People come and go from our lives all the time and there is nothing wrong with that. To a depressive kid however it can feel like the worst if you don’t have more than two friends because you don’t want to be associated with the loser status quo. As I went through my twenties and now into my thirties I have three best friends and I’m totally content with that. I can remember their birthdays no problem. I also feel like they understand me better than a hundred friends at the same time would.

#6) Finding middle ground.. Avoid the all or nothing mentality completely.

As a BPD individual the term ‘middle ground’ does not exist in my vocabulary because my mind is incapable of finding the half way point. For my entire life I have held onto one part of mania that is in my everyday life.. It’s either ALL or NOTHING.

Thought: I’m tired of being fat and being unattractive. I’m going to go to the gym five days a week! No exceptions and I’m going to lose all this weight.

Realistic? Not a chance. Does this sound familiar? It should because even if you’re not BP chances are you will experience this emotion at some point in your life and it can become very frustrating to deal with if you don’t know any different. I didn’t! Instead I have thousands of dollars of debt from impulsive purchases that I made in my previous life before I found this blog and my new blogging family. I get to live through this everyday until that debt is paid off. The All or Nothing mentality can absolutely kill you (figuratively speaking) and most likely also physically because if you don’t know your limit it could kill you easily. Apply the all or nothing thinking to an Opiod addict.. All of a sudden it’s serious huh? Why do you think people OD on heroin? Because it’s fun? No. Addiction sees no ending point. Addicts will continue to consume to get to that feeling of high. Alcoholics do this too.. Every drug will do this. It’s just how it works.

#5) Creating an Amazon account

You would think this would be easy but as a manic depressive who used to thrive on self worth Amazon was my worst enemy because it never said No and it took all my money.

I use to pride myself on how much I used Amazon because I loved getting the free shipping but I didn’t realize until much later how much free shipping I was getting and not realizing that Amazon is setting me back from my ultimate goal of being out of debt and with Amazon every was just so tap tap done. I look back at my heart history and I have a ton of pages. Dozens of products in order history and I can honestly tell you that I’ve probably sold that item on eBay and used it only once! This is how unfortuate my self esteem was. It wasn’t the product. It was the thought behind the product. Why did I choose to buy that item? Well it’s not because I needed it, it was because I was feeling like shit and needed a pick me up. An expensive pick me up no less. Skip Amazon and shop at target. If you have to haul it home and you don’t have a car and you have to bus or train..it’s most likely going to limit you on how much money you’re going to spend.

#4) Spending time with yourself

I wish it knew this when I was younger!! I love love love doing stuff by myself because it gives me an opportunity to recharge my body and mind and it also allows me to focus without any distractions. I really love going to the movies alone! It’s not because I’m lonely. It’s because I like the movies a lot (I’m a huge cinema buff) but more because I was able to have fun by myself and entertain without having to put up with my friend complaining about their job, or their relationships. Just me. My time. I really like that and I wish that when I was younger I would have done that too. I wonder if my self worth would be worth anything more if I choose happiness over tangible goods.

#3) Staying in shape and not letting myself go

As my weight is directly tied to my self worth it is no wonder I would want to share with a younger self that had I stayed in shape perhaps my mental clarity would have been better and my self image wouldn’t have been so damaged. When I was younger I was definitely overweight and I was a smoker for many years so I was definitely a walking a thin line of health at such a long age. When I quit smoking I decided to take up running which was a really good fit for me. Over the course of five years from 2010 – 2015 I was very active. I was actively participating in fitness challenges. I was also at my lowest weight of 220 during that period and I started to compete in marathons and half marathons to get exercise and to improve my stability of my mood… this was way before finding out about my conditions because I didn’t find out I had BPD until 2015 when at that time I began taking antidepressants and antipsychotics to treats my highs and lows. I’m not sure what shifted but I put running on the sidelines and just stopped enjoying life. I don’t know how it happened or what exactly happened but in the now 3 years I’ve given up running I’ve gained 50 lbs back and my self worth is shit.

I have ambitions of returning to the gym but my depression constantly makes me fear it. Why? I want sexy mark to come back. I don’t like fat mark. I’m not happy like this. I’m miserable when I’m not attractive in the mirror.

I told my therapist that I would read some more of (feeling good) and I think that would be healthy for me. I need to study that book religiously!

#2)

Don’t settle for less than what you deserve in life.

This goes for anyone. Period. DO NOT Settle! If you are unhappy at your job or miserable in your relationship then find the strength to confront it and face your thoughts head on. It was so easy to accept things for the way they happened.. I always played the victim because everything happened because of me. I was the cause. I was the problem so prior to meeting my current boyfriend I dated a lot of guys that weren’t worth shit and I ended up hurting myself in the end.

I remember two previous relationships that made an impact on me. Besides that I was kind of slut. I had zero self respect for myself and I wanted to feel good all at the same time so I put myself out there the only way I knew how. It wasn’t healthy at all and I evoked an unstable mind in the process. Although I had some fun times I wouldn’t say you need to experience this just to find out who you are..

#1)

Love yourself from day 1

So you’re not perfect. That’s OK. You made it through my list! Good job! The most important lesson that I wish I practiced when I was 21 was to have greater self respect for who I was, and I would have treated my body, and my friends differently. I know for a fact that it took a very long time to learn how to love myself. For a very long time I felt flawed because of my illness and that people would reject me for that so I hid in self shame and misery. I wore a lot of good masks as a kid too.

I’m 32 and I hope I have many years ahead of me.

What about you? What would you tell your self when you were just beginning your adult years. Would you do it any differently?

I am free because I blog. No longer to I dwell in an emotional prison. I am worthy of love and compassion. I am a better person daily because of this blog and who I’m working on becoming.

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Debt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Technology, Weight Watchers

Slaying dragons & Building confidence

I had a very productive day today and I really felt like I could accomplish absolutely anything.  I woke up just happy and stepped on the sale and it said I lost 8.4 pounds since my last weigh in!  What a terrific way to start my day! This could be a good day.  Except it’s pouring down rain in Seattle and there is no change of sunlight for the next six days.  A tropical vacation sounds lovely right about now.  I have a happy light, but I just don’t use it that much.  I was never one for tanning.. kinda hated it and it really reminds me of tanning beds.

You know it’s funny.  I feel so different these days as I continue to become better at figuring out social situations while remaining sober.  I feel like every day that goes by I am stronger and my sword is slaying these GOT dragons (Thanks, Barb!) Speaking of GOT.. 2019. Really HBO?  Did you really have to do that to us?  Worse..word is 6 more episodes but they will be longer. OK, whatever I’ll wait.  I’ll keep slaying these beasts with my CBT teachings and starve them out!

I did something REALLY crazy  FUN.  I like to dance a lot.  Especially when nobody is watching.. I have this habit of watching the Ellen Show every day after work and her energy just hits me like a burst of fresh air.  She inspires me to just shake it and just be yourself.  Be who you were meant to be.  Nothing else.

So I did it and I wanted to show you just how I feel knowing that I’m coming to surface as an entirely new person.  I feel extraordinary.

I normally would NEVER post a video like this.  However, I am working on my self-image and I am proud of who I am and what I am doing with my life.  Make no mistake I am confident and I’m thankful to God for putting me here.

 

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Technology, Weight Watchers

20 minutes of 2017 left!

Well 2017 – it’s been a fun time but you can go piss off.  Never will I ever choose to be a victim of depression.  Never will I fear myself again.  I will devote the next year of my life to studying my depression, my thought patterns, and work on improving my own thoughts through CBT.  I am committing myself to weekly therapy for the next year as well as joining a gym near my work to focus on my inner fitness goals.  I cannot live like this for the rest of my life and pretend like everything will be pink unicorns and shit.

This is not the life I want!  I want to have an amazing life with my partner, and my dog.  I don’t want to die young.  I don’t want to have suicidal thoughts, and I don’t want to binge eat my feelings ever again.

MOST OF ALL.. I am SO FUCKING PROUD OF MYSELF FOR GIVING UP BOOZE IN 2017!!!!!!!  HOLY SHIT!  THATS AN ACCOMPLISHMENT!!

15 minutes to go!

Let’s recap Goals for 2018: (Notice no resolutions.. Resolutions are so 1999.)

# 1 Goal: Self-worth dedication – invest in holistic approach to self healing depression and anxiety by leaning away from pharmaceutical drugs and looking for natural approaches.

# 2 Goal: Weekly therapy sessions for all of 2018.

# 3 Goal: Join a gym and go at least three times a week

#4 Goal: Follow Weight Watchers and continue to publish content on Connect which is their social media platform.

#5 Goal: Publish Stigma Unraveled YouTube channel and write weekly video content for subscribers.   This also wraps in with sharing more content on WordPress, Instagram, and Twitter.  I want to commit to daily posts but I don’t want to extend myself so far that I can’t achieve what I want.

Notice my goals: They all focus on ME.  2018 is ALL ABOUT FIXING ME.  I’m done with being the victim.  It’s time to save my life!

Happy 2018 everyone!  Let’s make this our year of amazing!

 

 

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Nourishing the soul

Stars among the gray

The weekend has arrived in Seattle and I couldn’t be more happy to see it! This week has been grueling for my depression, my eating habits, and my sleep but I am confident that the depression that I’ve faced this last week is on its way out of my head and I’m really happy about that. Last night I saw my therapist and we talked extensively about the self-worth issue that is so persistent in my mind. We worked on some really good techniques and I had the opportunity to think about them tonight and I’m writing tonight because I promised you that I would provide you with some thoughts on this article.

So last night at therapy I was handed ’15 ways to untwist your thinking:

Here is the link to the document: 15 Ways to Untwist Your Thinking

I’ve read only half of “Feeling good” and when I told my therapist I was reading the book he was ecstatic and couldn’t wait to whip out his copy and show me that he has it too! Imagine that. I knew I liked you doc. Well I only made it half way through the book before I naturally became sidetracked from reading and fell out of interest. I was also less depressed while I was reading the book because it was definitely helping me apply some good techniques to battling my depression and racing thoughts. You would think that I would want to immediately jump back into another self help book and bury myself in positive reinforcing thoughts.. right? Nope. I hate reading books! I get so bored reading them.. Cue the ADHD that refuses to allow my mind to focus on reading a book. Yet, I love to write and read REAL stories. I like to read stories about your life. How do you handle self help books? Do you actively apply the techniques as you read them? Or do you want till you finish the book before you apply it to your mind?

I’d like to tear apart a thought constructively and practice this document in theory:

Thought: It’s no shame you didn’t get invited to the party. You’re a LOSER! Everybody hates you.

Method: The double standard technique

Description of Method: Instead of putting yourself down, talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you might talk to a friend who was upset.

Question to ask yourself: Would I say such harsh things to a friend with a similar problem? What would I say to him or her?

Distortion: Any

Well! What have I just discovered. I’ve never thought about that! When I feel like a loser I’m only thinking about myself and my wicked blues. What if my friend Amanda told me that? “Taylor, I’m such a loser. I didn’t get invited to Jake’s party and everyone will know it. I’m a complete loser. I hate myself. I wish I could just be liked for once!

JACKPOT!


No Amanda, that’s not who you are. You are loved, and a beautiful person. Jake is stupid for not inviting you. His loss.” I would immediately say. What she just said is ridiculously stupid.

I learned a really good lesson last night that I’m going to apply to my life. Right now. I’m going to go back and finish the book.  I’m committed to mental health and looking for ways to give back to my quality of life and be the person I was born to be.