ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Daily Prompt, Depression, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Suicide Prevention, Uncategorized, Weight Watchers

Alone & Vulnerable. You'll never guess what I found.

Today I needed to send out a powerful message that I’ve been harnessing in my soul when I made a discovery earlier this week that if I was weak or didn’t have skills in place I would have been an easy target.  I decided to clean the pantry and I found about .5 of a tall bottle vodka that was from Costco.  It was Kirkland signature and half gone.




I actually wanted to prove to myself that I could pour everything down the train, so I pulled out my phone and started recording the profound moment.  I now have a video that I can go back to my weakest moments and recount the reasons that I announced why I was doing this.  I posted this on Weight Watchers because I made it for the Connect tribe and it was a force of positive force that came with it.

Well – It was the easiest decision I made.


Every day that I do not drink is every day that I am stronger.  I’m stronger now than I was 12 hours ago when I made the video. NSV = Non Scale Victory.. For WW followers, we’re big on NSV’s! They’re HUGE for us.


I don’t want to die young.  I don’t want to be depressed.  I don’t want to be manic. I don’t want this life but I have no choice.

Suicide is not an answer.

I am thrilled to announce that I will be featuring two guest bloggers on my site between now and the end of February.  I’ve chosen these individuals because of the path of freedom they have pursued and how their faith keeps them tied to the ground.

Oh yeah. Here is my progress I’m making with my weight management.



ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Daily Prompt, Debt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Suicide Prevention, Weight Watchers, YNAB

Redemption is here


Remember the number 44 I’ll come back to it soon.  As many of you know I’ve been practicing the methods of CBT in David Burns ‘Feeling Good’ handbook.  I am also in therapy weekly with Chris and tonight was easily the best session to date because I was entirely focused on self, and setting up processes and routines are the key to keeping me on success.

About the 44:

Last week at my session I had to do the same survey (we do it weekly to track progress) and last week I scored a 20/25 score.Which put me at ‘Severely Depressed’ and indeed I was.  Over the course of November and December was a very dark period in my life.  I became self-obsessed with the tiniest thing in life that would just set me off and before I knew it I would focus so much negative energy in my heart into my head and it would cause me to either have a mental breakdown or a manic episode within no time.

Today before my apt I did the test again and I didn’t think about the questions I just checked it off as I went down and I scored an 8.  “Normal, but mildly depressed.”  LOL.

Well shit!  I’m not normal.

I am so excited for my blog.  I’ve been working on my YouTube channel and I need to learn how to edit videos!  I want to become good at this and learn a new skill.  I follow some really cool people on YouTube like Brian McDuff who owns a YouTube channel specializing in awesome tech and he’s a fantastic photographer and he makes really good videos.  This is the type of work I want to get involved with next.  I am fortunate to have access to through my local public library,.. <–AMAZING PERK!!  I was shocked when I found out that I could get that for free…. wait .. yeah free!

I’m going to go to the Library this weekend and sit down in a corner and sift out my ideas and start learning a new talent.  I absolutely admire librarians.  They’re the best teachers ever.

Thank you all for the kindness that you have shown me.  I am beyond blessed to the moon & back for all the love and courage that you’ve shown me.  You’ve allowed me to be my most vulnerable and being able to share my life with you and the struggles I face is a very rewarding experience.

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Nourishing the soul

Raindrops & Diet Coke

Two of the worst things in life.  The rain and Diet Coke.. Yet both bring so much comfort to my soul.  We are now into the first 24 hours of the next seven days of Seattle gray and zero sunshine…  Now it’s really critical that I use my happy light daily in order to stay on top of my depression and automatic thoughts.

We need the sunshine in order to get our daily vitamin D.  In the Northwest we are told by our doctors to take extra vitamin D during the winter months as the sunshine is limited.  I keep forgetting that I need to put that into my routine.  It should help with my depression.

I often wonder in the back of my head if there is something that I am doing that causes these racing thoughts, mania, and anxiety.  Am I consuming anything in particular that is exasperating my moods?   I ask myself this question a lot and I continue to ignore it because Diet Coke is my vice.  I could drink Diet Coke everyday for the rest of my life and feel totally okay with it.  Is Diet Coke my nemesis?  If it is, I’m in trouble because the Diet Coke that I consume could really lead to problems down the line if I don’t get this under control.  Sweet fiancé, if you’re reading this, I know you’re rejoicing that I’m even having this conversation in my head..

I’ve been sober for four months now, almost five.  I’m thrilled with what I’ve accomplished so far and perhaps I’m ready to look at more areas in my life that I can clean up.  I need to be absolutely sure that I take this slowly.  I am an extremist.

Whats your take on aspartame and depression?  Have you had any positive effects by giving it up?

I’m feeling better everyday that I continue to blog.  I feel redeemed when I am able to write and share with you.

Take care of each other.  We need lots of love these days.