ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Depression

6 days sober& never giving up

Wow! 6 days of being without substance and I couldn’t be happier about that! Granted there are periods of my life during the day where I think “oh man, I could really have a drink right now!” Then I remember my why and glance at my wrist and say the Lords Prayer and I instantly feel the thought be dismissed.

Practicing mindfulness is a daily ritual for me and I’m constantly learning new methods so that my bipolar mind can learn how to shut down and reboot.

Yesterday I saw my psychiatrist and he was proud of me for how far I’ve come. I continue to lose weight, buff up, and my smile gets bigger and brighter every time he sees me.

We’re dropping my Zoloft down to 100mg daily from 150mg. My Seroquel went up to 200mg from 100mg and I remain on Adderall XR for my ADHD. I’ve been on meds since I was 27 and now that I’m 33 I realize just how important meds are for my overall stability. I’m very thankful for that. Thank you Jesus for always watching over me and giving me this beautiful life.

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Daily Prompt, Depression, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Weight Watchers

Me First.

It has been roughly two months since the breakup and despite the occasional tirade of delusional thoughts, I have developed a great sense of knowing when my depression thought strike and I have adapted ways on dismissing them.

A routine:

While in the shower I will start a conversation out loud with myself and focus on self love and self acceptance.

“Hey Mark, Good Morning!  You look great today, and confident.  Don’t forget to smile bright today. Work hard today because you can.”

“Keep your why handy and pull it out when you feel weak or that you’re losing a grip on life.  Remember, just because a food is there doesn’t mean that you have to eat it.”

“Remember Mark, you need to be strong today and be a warrior today. You are a smart and talented individual and people are drawn to you because you demonstrate love and acceptance daily.”

Now, I don’t have this verbatim.  But you get the idea.  Do it in the shower. Or stand in front of the mirror when you’re brushing your teeth and just talk to yourself.  Don’t be shy.  It’s perfectly OK to praise YOU.

It’s one change that I’ve implemented since I started to believe in my CBT and it really helps me throughout the day remember why I’m here.  Why I’m 16 months sober, and why I want to look good naked.

I’m fucking worth it dammit.  My life depends on it, and my job is to BE AMAZING at it!

Fuck PERFECTION.

P.S.  You’re down 30 pounds!  Way to Go Buddy!  #MEFIRST

 

 

 

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Depression, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Weight Watchers

Finding my true identity

It’s been a crazy busy week and I’ve been living an amazing life with absolutely zero depression! I’m back in total control and I’m hitting the gym 5 days a week, and I’m down 31 pounds since Halloween 2017!

I still have my ups/downs but far less. Why? Easy. I’m putting me first. Every day. Nothing will ever come between me and my ultimate goal. My depression has always and will forever be tied to my self image and instead of hating myself for being overweight I’m going to love myself instead for who I am and be the best version of myself.

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Debt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Suicide Prevention, Technology, Uncategorized, Weight Watchers

Awesome! I feel GREAT! 👍

As I continue to learn more about my self awareness as a mental health blogger I have realized that I have so much more self control over myself because of this blog and the impact that it has had on my life in so many unexpected ways.  My Weight Watchers Connect feed is exploding and I feel SO good knowing that I am kicking ass on the program, attending meetings FINALLY showing up!

Most of all I’m happy that despite the mini meltdown on Saturday I recovered extremely quickly by reorganization my thoughts into better constructive words and made new thoughts in my head by reinforcing teachings from ‘Feeling Good’.  Overall I’m still at the same place I was two weeks ago in the book.. But that doesn’t matter.

I am better today than I was 3 months ago and it’s because of this blog and the impact that I have felt from it.  As I’ve explained to my therapist last Thursday all I do now is work my career, and then focus on this blog solely and building my online YouTube community.  In addition I am working on a miniseries with Weight Watchers Connect community on self help for mental health and provide a friendship to someone that is new to recovery or just needs someone to talk to.

After Tyler Hilinski’s death I’ve just thought more about it and realized just how out of touch the world is with mental illness and that it’s more important than ever before that WE the mental health community and the bloggers UNITE and make some magic happen!  We need to break down these stereotypes and destroy the stigma associated with mental health.    The system is completely broken and it must be fixed.  We cannot afford to lose these innocent children to depression and suicide.

 

Thank you Followers, Visitor, whoever you are, wherever you are for taking the opportunity out of your day to spend it with me.

 

I’m really working on daily content!  I’m happy!

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Debt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Suicide Prevention, Technology, Weight Watchers

A day of self-reflection & Universal guidance

This weekend was turbulent.  It was unexpected.  My partner and I have been fighting a lot more lately because we have some issues that we need to work on and unfortunately as humans, we can say really unfortunate things and often times many things said during arguments should be resolved within the same day preferably.  When you live together and you have an argument I recommend that you leave the situation and go for some air.

When we argue with others we contradict ourselves in our minds against the words that come out of our mouths and often times words will come out without merit and without a filter.. (Those who know me best can attest to this.). I do have a wild mouth at times.  Thanks Dad for the sarcasm talent.

Today was about patching holes and conversating further about what we want to accomplish together as a couple within the next 3-6 months. It is very important that we have these sometimes curt discussions about outstanding issues.  If we don’t talk about the issues we are struggling with then we will internalize it for weeks and if you do not find a way to release the pressure you will collapse and when that happens it’s not good.

Every day that I continue to blog I become stronger in managing my emotions and realizing and recognizing the thought of the argument wanting to make me sad but instead I converted the negative energy associated with that thought and turned it into an opportunity for us to communicate more openly and have conversations that we should be afraid of.  I have changed so much since October 2017 when I launched my blog and I am forever grateful for the shift in perception that I received.

To be honest I was soulless at the end of October.  I didn’t know who I was anymore and my self-worth was crud.  When the suicidal feelings started to pour into my brain I immediately told my therapist.  I immediately sought out help and my therapist was able to get me onto a path of continued progress and this is the project.

His suggestion was to write down your thoughts.

October 2017 – Stigma Unraveled was born and my life is forever different.

And I love it now.  My goal is to have YouTube up and running by Feb 1st.  Lofty goal but unmistakably possible.

 

I am free.

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Daily Prompt, Debt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Technology, Weight Watchers, YNAB

Reward: Calling lost souls

Wherever you are. Whatever country you live in. Whatever religious belief you have. Please know why this blog was created.

For Me. I need to figure out who i am and learn how to achieve happiness inside my skin. This is a first for me.

For You. When I first started this blog I had one vision in mind about what I wanted to achieve. I wanted to share my experiences with the Universe and support my community that struggles with mental illness and addictions.

For my dog: I’m sure he’s tired of me talking to him. I love you buddy. You are always a great backdrop and you’re also my best friend. I’m better everyday because of you.

For my boyfriend: I’m a complex person. You love this about me but in reality I’ve really hated myself for who I was inside and what I was trying through be. I really am working on separating myself from who I was and who I want to be in life and that takes a lot of time. I am thankful that you are by my side and supportive. I hope that I inspire you and I’m thankful for your love. I’m really working on myself and this is how I’m doing it.

Most importantly, for Me. I have to learn how to live with my mania and depression. I don’t want to be miserable the rest of my life. I want to grow. I want to inspire and to bring change and awareness to mental illness and the stigma of hate that is associated.

I’m tired of being paralyzed by my own fear of rejection and to the thousands of voices in my head. Fuck off. This isint about you anymore. It’s about my quality of my life and how I want to spend my life.

I’ve been living in a hole my entire life. It’s time I carved myself out and learned how to channel my negative energy into something life changing and positive.

This is what I want to do with my life.

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Daily Prompt, Debt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Uncategorized, Weight Watchers

Season of self love

 

I cannot say this enough!  If you change the way you think, you will change the way you feel! 

What a day!  What an amazing day for ME achieving my GOALS.  Nothing is better than knowing that you’re working on your best version of yourself daily.  This blog has allowed me to connect with so many amazing bloggers from all walks of the earth.  My friends whom I haven’t spoken to in decades are finding me online and congratulating me on my journey.   I have never felt more validated and inspired to lead than ever before.  There is this amazing shift in life that happens when you cut out all the bullshit reasons on WHY you refuse to allow yourself to be happy.

Today’s visit to the doctor was absolutely great.  I proved to myself today that I CAN challenge my depression and willfully remove it from my mind.   Depression has no room in my head… No voice.  I’m completely starving the beast and I’ve never looked happier.  I’ve never smiled so much or liked what I saw in the mirror until I started writing.

The dark days of depression are willfully behind me and will NOT repeat.  I am in charge of my thoughts and I am learning how to construct new ones.   New positive affirmation sentences that prove my self-worth and restore my self-esteem.  I willfully will not forlorn myself for any longer for I am worthy of LIFE, LOVE, HAPPINESS, PEACE.

There is no greater gift for yourself than the truth.

BELIEVE