ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Depression

6 days sober& never giving up

Wow! 6 days of being without substance and I couldn’t be happier about that! Granted there are periods of my life during the day where I think “oh man, I could really have a drink right now!” Then I remember my why and glance at my wrist and say the Lords Prayer and I instantly feel the thought be dismissed.

Practicing mindfulness is a daily ritual for me and I’m constantly learning new methods so that my bipolar mind can learn how to shut down and reboot.

Yesterday I saw my psychiatrist and he was proud of me for how far I’ve come. I continue to lose weight, buff up, and my smile gets bigger and brighter every time he sees me.

We’re dropping my Zoloft down to 100mg daily from 150mg. My Seroquel went up to 200mg from 100mg and I remain on Adderall XR for my ADHD. I’ve been on meds since I was 27 and now that I’m 33 I realize just how important meds are for my overall stability. I’m very thankful for that. Thank you Jesus for always watching over me and giving me this beautiful life.

Depression

My story will never end. ;

Dear Tribe,

I cannot begin to thank you enough for all the support that you have shown me since I came clean about my addictions. Truly, thank you for standing beside me and giving me the confidence I need to be able to finally say I AM WORTH it!

When I was a child growing up I didn’t have self esteem what so ever. I was an obese child and learned at a very young age that food was directly connected to my emotions and that when I felt bad, I would just eat and eat and eat because food was my escape. Especially good tasting food like Moms Lasagna.. I just couldn’t stop because I felt so miserable in life.

I acted out a lot as a child and I did some pretty crappy things to my parents because I didn’t know who I was when I was growing up. I knew something was wrong with me but I didn’t want to take the time to figure it out. Instead I just continued to eat junk and the weight just piled on. My actions that I committed when I was a child landed me in therapy at age 7 and it continued until I was 18 years old. I had a family therapist that I saw for many years.

In 2013 one year after moving to Seattle, I had a mental breakdown and made the decision to return to therapy because my will to live was slowly fading. I’ve since been in weekly therapy since 2013 -> 2019 and quite honestly if it wasn’t for my therapist Chris, I don’t know that I would be here today. We practice CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) and it really works well for treating my bipolar disorder.

One of the trademark behaviors of bipolar disorder is distorted thinking. Think of it like you’re looking at the world through two toilet paper rolls. You don’t see the color in the world, you see black/white and everything is in the extreme level. This is called All or Nothing thinking. It’s a trap and I’m really working hard on that. It’s a constant struggle but I know that I am worth it!

Addiction has haunted me my entire life and becoming clean and sober has been a daunting task, however I’m worth it and worth the struggle! Food is still my number one go to when stress hits and right now that is hard to deal with and it fuels my depressive episodes.

When I feel depressed, and I binge eat I don’t log the food in the WW app because I just don’t feel like I’m worthy to do it. It’s a terrible feeling to not feel worthy and it’s something that I’m constantly working at in life by running the mantra “Choose Happiness” because I’ve realized that at the start of every day I have a choice to make. Choose Happy or Choose a Chaos. It’s all or nothing it seems and when i get so tied down with myself, I start to resent myself and my will to live, and I really struggle in this area when I am depressed.

Thankfully I love to write and blog, and record videos for my tribe and my therapist commends me on it because he says it’s very therapeutic for me in doing so and I agree.

I have high aspirations of expanding my vlog to YouTube but I just feel lazy lately in goal setting and that’s what this post is about.

I lead with a line often that “if it’s not challenging you, it’s not changing you.” And that’s the absolute truth.

How can I get to my goals if I’m not holding myself accountable? How can I get rid of this fat on my body if I’m not logging my food in the WW app?

Ps.. I have insomnia right now.. nothing like writing a story at 4am..

The point is, I’m worth it, and so are you.

I’m worth logging my food on WW every day

I’m worth getting exercise and earning Fit Points

I’m worth loving my body

I’m worth being sober

I’m worth life.

I need to embrace that whole heartedly.

I know I can do this. I am a strong willed individual.

Thank you all for believing in me. I absolutely love my vlog on WW and I hope that my videos inspire you to seek happiness and lead a healthy life.

I’m not going anywhere either. I’m going to double down on my efforts and finally loose this fat. I will log my food daily and I will commit to fully being WW and building a sustainable life

I know I can do this. I’m worth it!

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Debt, Depression, Finances

Half awake and almost dead

Borders and horizon lines

We’re alone but side by side

We’re yet to dream, we’re yet to dream

Nothing here is what it seems

Oh, oh

Oh, oh

There’s an animal inside

There’s a fear that won’t subside

Of all the things I’ll never do

Will I ever follow through?

There’s an animal inside

There’s an animal inside

Half awake and almost dead

Keeping empty beds elsewhere

We’re yet to bleed, we’re yet to bleed

All the time and energy

Oh, oh

Oh, oh

Could we try to reinvent

Feed the head with common sense

Through the streets and avenues

I’m climbing up the walls with you

Climbing up the walls with you

I’m climbing up the walls with you

Half awake and almost dead

Keeping empty beds elsewhere

We’re yet to bleed, we’re yet to bleed

All the time and energy

Oh, oh

Oh, oh

And if we could be still, still, be still

If we could be still, still, be still

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Nourishing the soul, Technology, Weight Watchers

I’ve created a revolution

It feels so amazing to inspire others. It’s incredibly hard to understand others and how they feel when we are fighting our own pain from within our deepest corners. How did we survive this long? It’s easy. We supported each other in a time of need and I needed you so I’m thankful that I can be here. I’m thankful to write, to vlog, and to share with the world my vision of peace, solitude, and most of all gratitude.

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Today I celebrated a major accomplishment on my channel and I couldn’t be happier. Over at Weight Watchers Connect there is this amazing social community where we embrace each other in their worst moments, or we comment on each other’s selfies and tell each other how AMAZING you are! It’s not about how you look. It’s about how you feel when you know that you’re loved, just the way you are. Just the way God created you.

Ive realized in this very short journey on blogging, that my life is very special. I’m incredibly grateful for the opportunity to create, and to share and inspire.

The journey is not over. It’s just beginning.

This video I posted to Connect earlier. It gives you some idea of what my last 24 hours was like.

I’m finally doing something for ME! Nobody else can tell me what I can and cannot do.

It’s GO time!

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Nourishing the soul

Life in pieces.

Hello my friends,

Please forgive my absence from writing..I’ve been in a bad funk that I just can’t shake..

Depression really sucks. It really zaps all your energy and pretty much makes me feel pretty worthless. For my followers you have seen the issues that I struggle with. My impulsive behavior, my addictions, and my self hatred that comes with the illness. My father refuses to identify my bipolar as a mental illness and instead a mental disorder ….right. I don’t agree with that in the slightest. Am I mentally fit? Not right now. Is this a disorder? No, this is an illness that I cannot cure no matter how hard I try. My meds that I take can only do so much before I feel myself wanting to crawl out of my skin.

I haven’t slept in days.

I’ve slept surely, but ever since I impulsively bought my Apple Watch the 18 hour battery doesn’t last enough for me to measure my sleep data. My therapist and my psychiatrist always tell me how critical sleep is for preventing depression.. you don’t say..! My neck has also really been hurting and that has been preventing me from sleeping comfortably. Not to mention the meds I take at bed could tranquilize an elephant however for me it just causes more hysteria in my mind.

The voices won’t shut up!

Understanding constructive criticism is probably the most difficult task that I have been faced with. As an extremist I have been told by countless individuals that I try too hard, go to the “extreme” to get things done…well what do you expect? How do you not be “extreme” when you are pre-programmed with this illness? How do we slow ourselves down? We can’t.

Often times enough I feel completely helpless in my depression. Winter is here and boy do I feel the hell of it. I’m thankful for you Colby. You keep me above water and prevent me from drowning in my self hatred and sorrows.

I ask God so many times to lead my journey, to clear these thoughts of failure in my head but often times the prayers go unanswered like I’m just fucking cursed with this life.

Jesus, are you listening?  Lord – here my prayer!

Please hear my prayers. I need you. I need salvation to get through this life.

Always,

Taylor

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Nourishing the soul

5 months sober and never looking back.

Dear Friends,

For much of my life I was quite an alcoholic.  Struggling with depression it was so easy to want to drink because often times I was so miserably trapped in my head that I couldn’t see a way out of my head unless I drank.  A lot.  It wasn’t healthy in the slightest and I didn’t really care that it was the WORST thing I could do for my depression.  On my Zoloft prescription it even states: Do not drink alcohol while taking this medication!  But did I listen? Fuck no, let’s drink.  <– This is the thought pattern of depression.  Fuck it.  I wanna get DRANK.  <–This is what a typical alcoholic would say right?

5 months ago while sitting at brunch with my partner I randomly decided that that would be my final mimosa because I was ready to change my behaviors because I knew winter was going to be here soon and I needed to get my shit together if I didn’t want to be a depressed mess.  Drinking for me was a social thing.  Of course I want to be social, and you know I’m out there to be liked by everyone so if I’m not drinking.. What am I?? LOSER! <–Cue the Automatic thoughts.. Is this legit?  Yes – it is!  If all my friends are drinking, I have to do it too.  Wait.. That’s peer pressure!  I thought I left that in high school.. But did I?

Nope!  Not in the slightest.  It’s just not called peer pressure anymore.. What do you call it?  Being social?  Not being the loser?  All I want to do is fit in and be liked so I’m going to do it and deal with the consequences later.  I’m not an alcoholic.. I can quit at anytime.  Really Taylor?  Cut this shit out.. Thats not how this works.

After months of discussion with Dr Buckley regarding my substance use I finally took the plunge five months ago and gave up the sauce.  Have I felt totally better?  No.  Am I cured from depression? I WISH!  The simple answer is no.  Alcohol is not the reason for depression.  The reason for my depression is unknown but I do know that I struggled with abusing this substance and I couldn’t keep harming myself.  I’ve spent way too much money on trying to get my life straight and the buzz just ain’t worth it anymore.

I don’t care about fitting in.  I don’t care that people may categorize me as a loser for not being “fun.”  If I can protect my brain and emotions, manage my weight better, and sprint from the onslaught of depression and be a better person because of it?

Friends, you can do anything you want if you put your mind to it.  It’s so easy for us to dismiss the good we do in our lives because we want to bad to be liked by others.  It is human nature to want to be liked.  We are constantly berated with images of flawless perfection and all we want is to be is instantly famous and have a million dollars and thousands of Instagram followers.  We want fame.  We want to be known for our work.  We want to be liked.

At the end of the day.. I’m Taylor and I’m a recovering alcoholic.I’m not famous, I’m not a millionaire, and I don’t have a thousand some followers.  I don’t care about that.  I care about my life, my happiness, and being with good people.  I have no idea when my life is going to end but what I do know is that now is the time.  This is my opportunity to shine and I’m five months sober and I’m full of light.