ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Nourishing the soul

What a fun day!

Depression? Who are you? You don’t live here anymore.

I cannot begin to share with you how better if I feel knowing that I am controlling my emotions now and I regulate what comes in and what goes out. Only positivity is allowed to pass through the gates into my life. Misery and self hate do not live here.

I’ve just had the best weekend with friends and family.

Happy Easter! I feel great!

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ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Daily Prompt, Debt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Suicide Prevention, Technology, Weight Watchers, YNAB

I really didn't expect it to be today.

Feb 5, 2018

I choose happiness over anything else.  No Exceptions.

LOVE ME unconditionally

I choose to be confident

I choose to remain sober

I choose peace.

 

 

 

 

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Daily Prompt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Suicide Prevention, Weight Watchers

CBT for the win! Omg!

Well I’ve been absent from my blog for a few days and I have a really good reason. I’ve been working on my self image, and working to improve my self love and workflow. Sounds amazing right?

Well it is, because for the first time in my life I am taking control of my life and the actions that take place in my life. I’ve spent my entire life making stupid decisions without thinking about long term consequences. I’ve often struggled with immediate gratification and I’ve come to understand the differences between a “Need” and a “Want.”

I need to get my shit together so I create a better life for my life. My life depends on it. Suicide is not an option for me. I believe that God created me to be an amazing human that is born to lead and to shine. I don’t believe God made me bipolar instead I firmly believe it was due to my childhood, and already knowing my brain was different from day 1 1985. Remember the XYY? One of the known genetic traits of XYY is behavior problems.. gee ya think?

Instead of being shameful of the choices that I’ve made in my past I am going to embrace the shame and reverse it into feeling love, and looking for divine power to rid my body of the evil within. Depression is a monster and I’m definitely hiring some exterminators to come remove the nasty beast because I refuse to let it claim habitat at my house!

Yesterday I went back to the gym. I took a really long time off from the gym and I regret it. I’ve become a house since I quit running and I’m not proud of it. However again, rather than shaming myself over my weight I will turn it into positivity and tell myself the following:

“Mark, you’re doing an amazing job with Weight Watchers and you’re seeing results! Hold steady and stay committed to this!”

I am doing an amazing job and I’m really proud of myself for how hard I’m working at getting my shit together. Thank you God for giving me the power to change my life!

❤️

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Debt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Suicide Prevention, Technology, Weight Watchers

A day of self-reflection & Universal guidance

This weekend was turbulent.  It was unexpected.  My partner and I have been fighting a lot more lately because we have some issues that we need to work on and unfortunately as humans, we can say really unfortunate things and often times many things said during arguments should be resolved within the same day preferably.  When you live together and you have an argument I recommend that you leave the situation and go for some air.

When we argue with others we contradict ourselves in our minds against the words that come out of our mouths and often times words will come out without merit and without a filter.. (Those who know me best can attest to this.). I do have a wild mouth at times.  Thanks Dad for the sarcasm talent.

Today was about patching holes and conversating further about what we want to accomplish together as a couple within the next 3-6 months. It is very important that we have these sometimes curt discussions about outstanding issues.  If we don’t talk about the issues we are struggling with then we will internalize it for weeks and if you do not find a way to release the pressure you will collapse and when that happens it’s not good.

Every day that I continue to blog I become stronger in managing my emotions and realizing and recognizing the thought of the argument wanting to make me sad but instead I converted the negative energy associated with that thought and turned it into an opportunity for us to communicate more openly and have conversations that we should be afraid of.  I have changed so much since October 2017 when I launched my blog and I am forever grateful for the shift in perception that I received.

To be honest I was soulless at the end of October.  I didn’t know who I was anymore and my self-worth was crud.  When the suicidal feelings started to pour into my brain I immediately told my therapist.  I immediately sought out help and my therapist was able to get me onto a path of continued progress and this is the project.

His suggestion was to write down your thoughts.

October 2017 – Stigma Unraveled was born and my life is forever different.

And I love it now.  My goal is to have YouTube up and running by Feb 1st.  Lofty goal but unmistakably possible.

 

I am free.

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Daily Prompt, Depression, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Suicide Prevention, Uncategorized, Weight Watchers

Alone & Vulnerable. You'll never guess what I found.

Today I needed to send out a powerful message that I’ve been harnessing in my soul when I made a discovery earlier this week that if I was weak or didn’t have skills in place I would have been an easy target.  I decided to clean the pantry and I found about .5 of a tall bottle vodka that was from Costco.  It was Kirkland signature and half gone.

 

NOOOOO!!

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I actually wanted to prove to myself that I could pour everything down the train, so I pulled out my phone and started recording the profound moment.  I now have a video that I can go back to my weakest moments and recount the reasons that I announced why I was doing this.  I posted this on Weight Watchers because I made it for the Connect tribe and it was a force of positive force that came with it.

Well – It was the easiest decision I made.

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Every day that I do not drink is every day that I am stronger.  I’m stronger now than I was 12 hours ago when I made the video. NSV = Non Scale Victory.. For WW followers, we’re big on NSV’s! They’re HUGE for us.


 

I don’t want to die young.  I don’t want to be depressed.  I don’t want to be manic. I don’t want this life but I have no choice.

Suicide is not an answer.

I am thrilled to announce that I will be featuring two guest bloggers on my site between now and the end of February.  I’ve chosen these individuals because of the path of freedom they have pursued and how their faith keeps them tied to the ground.

Oh yeah. Here is my progress I’m making with my weight management.

 

 

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Daily Prompt, Debt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Suicide Prevention, Weight Watchers, YNAB

Redemption is here

44!

Remember the number 44 I’ll come back to it soon.  As many of you know I’ve been practicing the methods of CBT in David Burns ‘Feeling Good’ handbook.  I am also in therapy weekly with Chris and tonight was easily the best session to date because I was entirely focused on self, and setting up processes and routines are the key to keeping me on success.

About the 44:

Last week at my session I had to do the same survey (we do it weekly to track progress) and last week I scored a 20/25 score.Which put me at ‘Severely Depressed’ and indeed I was.  Over the course of November and December was a very dark period in my life.  I became self-obsessed with the tiniest thing in life that would just set me off and before I knew it I would focus so much negative energy in my heart into my head and it would cause me to either have a mental breakdown or a manic episode within no time.

Today before my apt I did the test again and I didn’t think about the questions I just checked it off as I went down and I scored an 8.  “Normal, but mildly depressed.”  LOL.

Well shit!  I’m not normal.

I am so excited for my blog.  I’ve been working on my YouTube channel and I need to learn how to edit videos!  I want to become good at this and learn a new skill.  I follow some really cool people on YouTube like Brian McDuff who owns a YouTube channel specializing in awesome tech and he’s a fantastic photographer and he makes really good videos.  This is the type of work I want to get involved with next.  I am fortunate to have access to Lynda.com through my local public library,.. <–AMAZING PERK!!  I was shocked when I found out that I could get that for free…. wait .. yeah free!

I’m going to go to the Library this weekend and sit down in a corner and sift out my ideas and start learning a new talent.  I absolutely admire librarians.  They’re the best teachers ever.

Thank you all for the kindness that you have shown me.  I am beyond blessed to the moon & back for all the love and courage that you’ve shown me.  You’ve allowed me to be my most vulnerable and being able to share my life with you and the struggles I face is a very rewarding experience.

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Technology, Weight Watchers, YNAB

Mind the gap

I awake at 5am for my day job and I’m usually on the train to downtown Seattle by 6am. Or at least I aspire to. 🙂 actually fuck off depression, I do well at this. It’s so funny how depression will sneak up on you at a wolf space and steal your positive affirmation moment.

I win. You lose WOLF.

I remember one morning last week where I was on my way out the door and as I was putting on my backpack I saw a segment on Today talking about mindfulness. I’ve never heard about “mindfulness” before so I jotted it down and told myself I’d google it later. Yoga for the brain? What is this? Naturally it peaked my interests immediately because I heard the key words during the segment: relief from depression, remove anxiety, reduce inflammation, keep talking you have my full attention now.

Mindfulness so they say. I actually have headspace which if you watched the TED talk that person is the cofounder or Headspace which is a meditation app for iOS and android devices. I think I only know about headspace from a $75 impulsive year subscription that I couldn’t afford..yet somehow convinced myself I needed it and like other impulsive purchases I’ve hardly used it. If maybe once. What a shame.

Again with these stupid obtrusive thoughts. It’s not a shame Wolf! It’s me taking a moment to reflect and feel emotion. That article I received a few days ago from my good friend really resonated. I have an entire pack of wolves in my head that really want to take over but up until recently I’ve been rejecting them at every opportunity.

Today I saw the movie “Molly’s game”

and I’m a big Jessica Chastin fan so if you really want to watch a mindfuck of a great movie I highly recommend it. Her dad was a therapist too! The similarities of our childhoods was striking. The words that were used, the phrases used, the arrogant behaviors all existed and that really impacted me.

As I live through my blogging life there have been a swell of emotions that come back from the archives. Not only is it an enlightening experience to achieve it’s also a completely validating and positive affirmation that I do for myself. My therapist is beyond the moon estatic that I’m blogging, 8 months sober, and working on implementing CBT into my life and putting it into creative form on WordPress.

In all reality I haven’t felt this good in ages. The depression is low, my moods are stable and my impulsive thoughts and actions are at an all time low. I think I’m ready to tackle the gym next week. I don’t know what I’m so afraid of. I really know that running does amazing this for the soul.. I should know.. I’ve ran one full marathon which is 26.2 miles and I’ve competed in 14 half marathons which is 13.1 miles. I’m not really interested in running again..it really hurts! And at 6’4″ it’s really painful. Maybe I’ll stick to cardio.. I’m such a cardio queen. Ugh. No muscle in my body whatsoever. As a runner in my years past lifting was stupid because muscle would burn first during running… so I just focused on something I couldn’t fail at. I don’t know now. Maybe if lifted I would look better naked. Hmm..

I feel like I’m a muscle stud with a 6 pack in my head with racing thoughts and voices but on the outside I’m a sloth that spills popcorn all over him self at the movies.

I need to find my motivation.

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Daily Prompt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Technology, Weight Watchers, YNAB

Bipolar & Unstable. If you could hit rewind, would you?

I may be way too young for this post however I feel that it important for me to be able to differentiate the ideas I thought life would be like compared to what it actually was like for me.. You may disagree with some of my items but that’s totally fine! This is taken from the life experiences of a 32 year old bipolar manic depressive.

#10.) You seriously need to budget.

This is ridiculously true. Often times when I was younger my parents would always stress into my head the importance of budgeting and how to manage your funds appropriately… Well… Who the F was a going to listen with how to abide by your own means when you’re 18?? You just want out! You want to learn life experiences for yourself and not because someone told you to do it. Thats not life!

#9) Seriously, you’re not defined by what you own. This is a big one for me. As a depressed individual I would tell you that my happiness is purely based on items purchased.. Not items I own.. perhaps that’s because I’ve learned how unhappy I am with what I own. For the longest period in my life I felt like whatever I owned was never good enough because I could never be happy without this.

Thought: Unless you have the latest Mac you’re an absolute loser.

I’m not kidding either.. Growing up I wasn’t poor by any means but I didn’t realize until later in my years how much my parents tried their best to provide for my family. I had plenty of food on the table growing up and shiny Christmas presents but inside my head I was uncontrollable and so jealous of what every other kid got for Christmas for owned. I believed that if you had the newer car, or the bigger house you naturally were richer.. What a load of shit. Thats the farthest thing from the truth!

#8) If you struggle with depression DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL.

I couldn’t wait to turn 21 so I could gamble (legal age in Arizona) and drink alcohol like the rest of my friends! If I didn’t drink I was the loser.. That was my thought pattern because at the end of the day all I wanted was to be liked… Liked for all the wrong reasons. Liked for all the corrupt reasons that existed in my head. I didn’t realize until I quit drinking eight months ago just how bad alcohol was for me. If you are depressed please avoid drinking.. Alcohol is a depressant.. if you struggle with depression your life will be a lot more stable when you’re not drinking. I know this for a fact. I’m living the sober journey and it sucks that I can’t do the social things that I use to do.. Like grab a beer with friends.. Or have drinking games.. The social aspect of drinking I definitely miss, but I don’t miss the hangover, or the addiction, or the mania associated with alcoholism.

#7) It’s okay to have a couple of friends.. You don’t need 100.

As an ENFJ (Myers Briggs) it was natural for me to want to be the social one and want to have a million friends.. let’s be honest.. Do you really care about all those “friends?” No. Do they care about me really?? Probably not… People come and go from our lives all the time and there is nothing wrong with that. To a depressive kid however it can feel like the worst if you don’t have more than two friends because you don’t want to be associated with the loser status quo. As I went through my twenties and now into my thirties I have three best friends and I’m totally content with that. I can remember their birthdays no problem. I also feel like they understand me better than a hundred friends at the same time would.

#6) Finding middle ground.. Avoid the all or nothing mentality completely.

As a BPD individual the term ‘middle ground’ does not exist in my vocabulary because my mind is incapable of finding the half way point. For my entire life I have held onto one part of mania that is in my everyday life.. It’s either ALL or NOTHING.

Thought: I’m tired of being fat and being unattractive. I’m going to go to the gym five days a week! No exceptions and I’m going to lose all this weight.

Realistic? Not a chance. Does this sound familiar? It should because even if you’re not BP chances are you will experience this emotion at some point in your life and it can become very frustrating to deal with if you don’t know any different. I didn’t! Instead I have thousands of dollars of debt from impulsive purchases that I made in my previous life before I found this blog and my new blogging family. I get to live through this everyday until that debt is paid off. The All or Nothing mentality can absolutely kill you (figuratively speaking) and most likely also physically because if you don’t know your limit it could kill you easily. Apply the all or nothing thinking to an Opiod addict.. All of a sudden it’s serious huh? Why do you think people OD on heroin? Because it’s fun? No. Addiction sees no ending point. Addicts will continue to consume to get to that feeling of high. Alcoholics do this too.. Every drug will do this. It’s just how it works.

#5) Creating an Amazon account

You would think this would be easy but as a manic depressive who used to thrive on self worth Amazon was my worst enemy because it never said No and it took all my money.

I use to pride myself on how much I used Amazon because I loved getting the free shipping but I didn’t realize until much later how much free shipping I was getting and not realizing that Amazon is setting me back from my ultimate goal of being out of debt and with Amazon every was just so tap tap done. I look back at my heart history and I have a ton of pages. Dozens of products in order history and I can honestly tell you that I’ve probably sold that item on eBay and used it only once! This is how unfortuate my self esteem was. It wasn’t the product. It was the thought behind the product. Why did I choose to buy that item? Well it’s not because I needed it, it was because I was feeling like shit and needed a pick me up. An expensive pick me up no less. Skip Amazon and shop at target. If you have to haul it home and you don’t have a car and you have to bus or train..it’s most likely going to limit you on how much money you’re going to spend.

#4) Spending time with yourself

I wish it knew this when I was younger!! I love love love doing stuff by myself because it gives me an opportunity to recharge my body and mind and it also allows me to focus without any distractions. I really love going to the movies alone! It’s not because I’m lonely. It’s because I like the movies a lot (I’m a huge cinema buff) but more because I was able to have fun by myself and entertain without having to put up with my friend complaining about their job, or their relationships. Just me. My time. I really like that and I wish that when I was younger I would have done that too. I wonder if my self worth would be worth anything more if I choose happiness over tangible goods.

#3) Staying in shape and not letting myself go

As my weight is directly tied to my self worth it is no wonder I would want to share with a younger self that had I stayed in shape perhaps my mental clarity would have been better and my self image wouldn’t have been so damaged. When I was younger I was definitely overweight and I was a smoker for many years so I was definitely a walking a thin line of health at such a long age. When I quit smoking I decided to take up running which was a really good fit for me. Over the course of five years from 2010 – 2015 I was very active. I was actively participating in fitness challenges. I was also at my lowest weight of 220 during that period and I started to compete in marathons and half marathons to get exercise and to improve my stability of my mood… this was way before finding out about my conditions because I didn’t find out I had BPD until 2015 when at that time I began taking antidepressants and antipsychotics to treats my highs and lows. I’m not sure what shifted but I put running on the sidelines and just stopped enjoying life. I don’t know how it happened or what exactly happened but in the now 3 years I’ve given up running I’ve gained 50 lbs back and my self worth is shit.

I have ambitions of returning to the gym but my depression constantly makes me fear it. Why? I want sexy mark to come back. I don’t like fat mark. I’m not happy like this. I’m miserable when I’m not attractive in the mirror.

I told my therapist that I would read some more of (feeling good) and I think that would be healthy for me. I need to study that book religiously!

#2)

Don’t settle for less than what you deserve in life.

This goes for anyone. Period. DO NOT Settle! If you are unhappy at your job or miserable in your relationship then find the strength to confront it and face your thoughts head on. It was so easy to accept things for the way they happened.. I always played the victim because everything happened because of me. I was the cause. I was the problem so prior to meeting my current boyfriend I dated a lot of guys that weren’t worth shit and I ended up hurting myself in the end.

I remember two previous relationships that made an impact on me. Besides that I was kind of slut. I had zero self respect for myself and I wanted to feel good all at the same time so I put myself out there the only way I knew how. It wasn’t healthy at all and I evoked an unstable mind in the process. Although I had some fun times I wouldn’t say you need to experience this just to find out who you are..

#1)

Love yourself from day 1

So you’re not perfect. That’s OK. You made it through my list! Good job! The most important lesson that I wish I practiced when I was 21 was to have greater self respect for who I was, and I would have treated my body, and my friends differently. I know for a fact that it took a very long time to learn how to love myself. For a very long time I felt flawed because of my illness and that people would reject me for that so I hid in self shame and misery. I wore a lot of good masks as a kid too.

I’m 32 and I hope I have many years ahead of me.

What about you? What would you tell your self when you were just beginning your adult years. Would you do it any differently?

I am free because I blog. No longer to I dwell in an emotional prison. I am worthy of love and compassion. I am a better person daily because of this blog and who I’m working on becoming.

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Daily Prompt, Debt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Technology, Weight Watchers, YNAB

Reward: Calling lost souls

Wherever you are. Whatever country you live in. Whatever religious belief you have. Please know why this blog was created.

For Me. I need to figure out who i am and learn how to achieve happiness inside my skin. This is a first for me.

For You. When I first started this blog I had one vision in mind about what I wanted to achieve. I wanted to share my experiences with the Universe and support my community that struggles with mental illness and addictions.

For my dog: I’m sure he’s tired of me talking to him. I love you buddy. You are always a great backdrop and you’re also my best friend. I’m better everyday because of you.

For my boyfriend: I’m a complex person. You love this about me but in reality I’ve really hated myself for who I was inside and what I was trying through be. I really am working on separating myself from who I was and who I want to be in life and that takes a lot of time. I am thankful that you are by my side and supportive. I hope that I inspire you and I’m thankful for your love. I’m really working on myself and this is how I’m doing it.

Most importantly, for Me. I have to learn how to live with my mania and depression. I don’t want to be miserable the rest of my life. I want to grow. I want to inspire and to bring change and awareness to mental illness and the stigma of hate that is associated.

I’m tired of being paralyzed by my own fear of rejection and to the thousands of voices in my head. Fuck off. This isint about you anymore. It’s about my quality of my life and how I want to spend my life.

I’ve been living in a hole my entire life. It’s time I carved myself out and learned how to channel my negative energy into something life changing and positive.

This is what I want to do with my life.

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Daily Prompt, Debt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Uncategorized, Weight Watchers

Season of self love

 

I cannot say this enough!  If you change the way you think, you will change the way you feel! 

What a day!  What an amazing day for ME achieving my GOALS.  Nothing is better than knowing that you’re working on your best version of yourself daily.  This blog has allowed me to connect with so many amazing bloggers from all walks of the earth.  My friends whom I haven’t spoken to in decades are finding me online and congratulating me on my journey.   I have never felt more validated and inspired to lead than ever before.  There is this amazing shift in life that happens when you cut out all the bullshit reasons on WHY you refuse to allow yourself to be happy.

Today’s visit to the doctor was absolutely great.  I proved to myself today that I CAN challenge my depression and willfully remove it from my mind.   Depression has no room in my head… No voice.  I’m completely starving the beast and I’ve never looked happier.  I’ve never smiled so much or liked what I saw in the mirror until I started writing.

The dark days of depression are willfully behind me and will NOT repeat.  I am in charge of my thoughts and I am learning how to construct new ones.   New positive affirmation sentences that prove my self-worth and restore my self-esteem.  I willfully will not forlorn myself for any longer for I am worthy of LIFE, LOVE, HAPPINESS, PEACE.

There is no greater gift for yourself than the truth.

BELIEVE