ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Depression, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Weight Watchers

Finding my true identity

It’s been a crazy busy week and I’ve been living an amazing life with absolutely zero depression! I’m back in total control and I’m hitting the gym 5 days a week, and I’m down 31 pounds since Halloween 2017!

I still have my ups/downs but far less. Why? Easy. I’m putting me first. Every day. Nothing will ever come between me and my ultimate goal. My depression has always and will forever be tied to my self image and instead of hating myself for being overweight I’m going to love myself instead for who I am and be the best version of myself.

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Debt, Depression, Finances

Half awake and almost dead

Borders and horizon lines

We’re alone but side by side

We’re yet to dream, we’re yet to dream

Nothing here is what it seems

Oh, oh

Oh, oh

There’s an animal inside

There’s a fear that won’t subside

Of all the things I’ll never do

Will I ever follow through?

There’s an animal inside

There’s an animal inside

Half awake and almost dead

Keeping empty beds elsewhere

We’re yet to bleed, we’re yet to bleed

All the time and energy

Oh, oh

Oh, oh

Could we try to reinvent

Feed the head with common sense

Through the streets and avenues

I’m climbing up the walls with you

Climbing up the walls with you

I’m climbing up the walls with you

Half awake and almost dead

Keeping empty beds elsewhere

We’re yet to bleed, we’re yet to bleed

All the time and energy

Oh, oh

Oh, oh

And if we could be still, still, be still

If we could be still, still, be still

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Nourishing the soul

Life in pieces.

Hello my friends,

Please forgive my absence from writing..I’ve been in a bad funk that I just can’t shake..

Depression really sucks. It really zaps all your energy and pretty much makes me feel pretty worthless. For my followers you have seen the issues that I struggle with. My impulsive behavior, my addictions, and my self hatred that comes with the illness. My father refuses to identify my bipolar as a mental illness and instead a mental disorder ….right. I don’t agree with that in the slightest. Am I mentally fit? Not right now. Is this a disorder? No, this is an illness that I cannot cure no matter how hard I try. My meds that I take can only do so much before I feel myself wanting to crawl out of my skin.

I haven’t slept in days.

I’ve slept surely, but ever since I impulsively bought my Apple Watch the 18 hour battery doesn’t last enough for me to measure my sleep data. My therapist and my psychiatrist always tell me how critical sleep is for preventing depression.. you don’t say..! My neck has also really been hurting and that has been preventing me from sleeping comfortably. Not to mention the meds I take at bed could tranquilize an elephant however for me it just causes more hysteria in my mind.

The voices won’t shut up!

Understanding constructive criticism is probably the most difficult task that I have been faced with. As an extremist I have been told by countless individuals that I try too hard, go to the “extreme” to get things done…well what do you expect? How do you not be “extreme” when you are pre-programmed with this illness? How do we slow ourselves down? We can’t.

Often times enough I feel completely helpless in my depression. Winter is here and boy do I feel the hell of it. I’m thankful for you Colby. You keep me above water and prevent me from drowning in my self hatred and sorrows.

I ask God so many times to lead my journey, to clear these thoughts of failure in my head but often times the prayers go unanswered like I’m just fucking cursed with this life.

Jesus, are you listening?  Lord – here my prayer!

Please hear my prayers. I need you. I need salvation to get through this life.

Always,

Taylor

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Nourishing the soul

Daily commitment to love myself

IMG_0169I’ve read so many blogs on WordPress.  I absolutely love the commitment so many of us writers have made to ourselves and our readers.  It is so empowering and liberating to be able to release my inner demons onto here and know that my community supports me.  I know that I can voice my head here and not feel judged by any of you and I take that so seriously.  Thank you for the sweet comments, the likes on my entries and allowing myself to express who I am as an individual and the mental illness that I’ve come to know so well.

Today was a really good day.  I got a lot done and I’m really proud of all the progress that I’ve made since I became sober.   It’s so easy for me to forget just how difficult it was to stop drinking and become sober.  It’s so easy to dismiss the hard work because my depression wants so bad to take control of my heart and rule in darkness forever.  I repeat to myself that I am worthy.  I repeat to myself that I am amazing at life.  I need to positively reinforce the good ideas in my mind in order for me to move on.  If the emotion is too negative and I continue to stir on it I have found it unable to pass and I would start to dwell.   These automatic thoughts are a real downer and I’m really working hard on getting them under control and I feel proud of myself.

I saw my therapist today and we had a very good conversation.  I’ve been seeing my therapist for 4 years now bi-weekly for six months out of the year.  It is in my best interest to attend weekly therapy during winter months and then every other week during spring and summer.  I am very thankful for the relationship that I have with him.  We have a very good dynamic and he’s CBT teachings really speak to me.  I am really working now on putting the positive spin on my thoughts and reinforcing with positivity and confidence.  I feel like I’m getting stronger everyday and I really attibute that to taking my meds everyday and not allowing myself to skip a beat.  It’s so easy to forget me to forget to take my meds because I get so caught up in life that I just forget..  And then I forget again.. You know how the rest of that goes.

My psychiatrist advised me that I could take my Zoloft at bedtime instead of in the mornings.  I would find myself to be a zombie during the day if I took Zoloft in the morning.  I’m now on 200 mg which is the max dose and I feel like it is doing its job.  It’s working because I’m not drinking.  I have found alcohol to be a depressant and often cause excess depression episodes.  I have realized that often when I would be hungover from alcohol it would trigger a rapid cycle.  It was becoming far too often and I had to quit.

I told myself that 4 months ago and I’m still sober.  Awesome!

I’m really happy with where my life is going.  I’m working on myself and defying my problems and working towards practical solutions.

Every day is a new day.  The only goal I have for today is to remain sober and try my best to love my neighbor.