ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Debt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Suicide Prevention, Technology, Uncategorized, Weight Watchers

Awesome! I feel GREAT! 👍

As I continue to learn more about my self awareness as a mental health blogger I have realized that I have so much more self control over myself because of this blog and the impact that it has had on my life in so many unexpected ways.  My Weight Watchers Connect feed is exploding and I feel SO good knowing that I am kicking ass on the program, attending meetings FINALLY showing up!

Most of all I’m happy that despite the mini meltdown on Saturday I recovered extremely quickly by reorganization my thoughts into better constructive words and made new thoughts in my head by reinforcing teachings from ‘Feeling Good’.  Overall I’m still at the same place I was two weeks ago in the book.. But that doesn’t matter.

I am better today than I was 3 months ago and it’s because of this blog and the impact that I have felt from it.  As I’ve explained to my therapist last Thursday all I do now is work my career, and then focus on this blog solely and building my online YouTube community.  In addition I am working on a miniseries with Weight Watchers Connect community on self help for mental health and provide a friendship to someone that is new to recovery or just needs someone to talk to.

After Tyler Hilinski’s death I’ve just thought more about it and realized just how out of touch the world is with mental illness and that it’s more important than ever before that WE the mental health community and the bloggers UNITE and make some magic happen!  We need to break down these stereotypes and destroy the stigma associated with mental health.    The system is completely broken and it must be fixed.  We cannot afford to lose these innocent children to depression and suicide.

 

Thank you Followers, Visitor, whoever you are, wherever you are for taking the opportunity out of your day to spend it with me.

 

I’m really working on daily content!  I’m happy!

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Daily Prompt, Debt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Technology, Weight Watchers, YNAB

Accepting what you cannot change.

I saw this tonight and just started laughing.  I love you, Mom.  Whenever you find this post know that I love you to the moon and back.  Nothing will ever change that.

 

I own my disorders.  I own my mental illness.

I own my actions.  I own all my flaws.  I own my history.

I owe it to the world to blog and share my spark with the Universe.  If I have 500 million voices in my head then I can give 500 million future depressed souls my energy and ignite a storm of discussion and positive affirmations in a safe environment.

 

May Monday be forever in your favor.

 

Accepting Yourself! Anxiety, depression, and any other “gifts” you may have. (Don’t blame your mother. It’s not her fault or yours either!)

via Anxiety, Depression, And other “Gifts” You May Have — Psychology Today – Depression

 

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Technology, Weight Watchers, YNAB

Mind the gap

I awake at 5am for my day job and I’m usually on the train to downtown Seattle by 6am. Or at least I aspire to. 🙂 actually fuck off depression, I do well at this. It’s so funny how depression will sneak up on you at a wolf space and steal your positive affirmation moment.

I win. You lose WOLF.

I remember one morning last week where I was on my way out the door and as I was putting on my backpack I saw a segment on Today talking about mindfulness. I’ve never heard about “mindfulness” before so I jotted it down and told myself I’d google it later. Yoga for the brain? What is this? Naturally it peaked my interests immediately because I heard the key words during the segment: relief from depression, remove anxiety, reduce inflammation, keep talking you have my full attention now.

Mindfulness so they say. I actually have headspace which if you watched the TED talk that person is the cofounder or Headspace which is a meditation app for iOS and android devices. I think I only know about headspace from a $75 impulsive year subscription that I couldn’t afford..yet somehow convinced myself I needed it and like other impulsive purchases I’ve hardly used it. If maybe once. What a shame.

Again with these stupid obtrusive thoughts. It’s not a shame Wolf! It’s me taking a moment to reflect and feel emotion. That article I received a few days ago from my good friend really resonated. I have an entire pack of wolves in my head that really want to take over but up until recently I’ve been rejecting them at every opportunity.

Today I saw the movie “Molly’s game”

and I’m a big Jessica Chastin fan so if you really want to watch a mindfuck of a great movie I highly recommend it. Her dad was a therapist too! The similarities of our childhoods was striking. The words that were used, the phrases used, the arrogant behaviors all existed and that really impacted me.

As I live through my blogging life there have been a swell of emotions that come back from the archives. Not only is it an enlightening experience to achieve it’s also a completely validating and positive affirmation that I do for myself. My therapist is beyond the moon estatic that I’m blogging, 8 months sober, and working on implementing CBT into my life and putting it into creative form on WordPress.

In all reality I haven’t felt this good in ages. The depression is low, my moods are stable and my impulsive thoughts and actions are at an all time low. I think I’m ready to tackle the gym next week. I don’t know what I’m so afraid of. I really know that running does amazing this for the soul.. I should know.. I’ve ran one full marathon which is 26.2 miles and I’ve competed in 14 half marathons which is 13.1 miles. I’m not really interested in running again..it really hurts! And at 6’4″ it’s really painful. Maybe I’ll stick to cardio.. I’m such a cardio queen. Ugh. No muscle in my body whatsoever. As a runner in my years past lifting was stupid because muscle would burn first during running… so I just focused on something I couldn’t fail at. I don’t know now. Maybe if lifted I would look better naked. Hmm..

I feel like I’m a muscle stud with a 6 pack in my head with racing thoughts and voices but on the outside I’m a sloth that spills popcorn all over him self at the movies.

I need to find my motivation.

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Debt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Technology, Weight Watchers

B is for Beautiful

It’s crazy how music can change your soul with just the right beat.

I found myself wanting to drink some self-love so I decided to write.

 

Hope you like! 🙂

Magnificent

Aspiring

Revealer

Kind

Thoughtful

Addict

Young

Likable

Offensive

Redeemer

I am worthy.  I LOVE myself.  2018 is about positively and self-love.

This blog heals my soul more than words can describe.

 

Lets dance

 

 

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Technology, Weight Watchers

20 minutes of 2017 left!

Well 2017 – it’s been a fun time but you can go piss off.  Never will I ever choose to be a victim of depression.  Never will I fear myself again.  I will devote the next year of my life to studying my depression, my thought patterns, and work on improving my own thoughts through CBT.  I am committing myself to weekly therapy for the next year as well as joining a gym near my work to focus on my inner fitness goals.  I cannot live like this for the rest of my life and pretend like everything will be pink unicorns and shit.

This is not the life I want!  I want to have an amazing life with my partner, and my dog.  I don’t want to die young.  I don’t want to have suicidal thoughts, and I don’t want to binge eat my feelings ever again.

MOST OF ALL.. I am SO FUCKING PROUD OF MYSELF FOR GIVING UP BOOZE IN 2017!!!!!!!  HOLY SHIT!  THATS AN ACCOMPLISHMENT!!

15 minutes to go!

Let’s recap Goals for 2018: (Notice no resolutions.. Resolutions are so 1999.)

# 1 Goal: Self-worth dedication – invest in holistic approach to self healing depression and anxiety by leaning away from pharmaceutical drugs and looking for natural approaches.

# 2 Goal: Weekly therapy sessions for all of 2018.

# 3 Goal: Join a gym and go at least three times a week

#4 Goal: Follow Weight Watchers and continue to publish content on Connect which is their social media platform.

#5 Goal: Publish Stigma Unraveled YouTube channel and write weekly video content for subscribers.   This also wraps in with sharing more content on WordPress, Instagram, and Twitter.  I want to commit to daily posts but I don’t want to extend myself so far that I can’t achieve what I want.

Notice my goals: They all focus on ME.  2018 is ALL ABOUT FIXING ME.  I’m done with being the victim.  It’s time to save my life!

Happy 2018 everyone!  Let’s make this our year of amazing!

 

 

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Depression

Nobody said it was gonna be easy.

As a gay male I constantly have this fear of rejection from society for being anything but rich, sexy, entrepreneur, you name it.. I wasn’t it and for that I have built a life of feeling like absolute shit and having an eternal fight in my head about how much people disliked me, hated me for being gay, or just down right wanted to beat me up because I was so much of a loser.  Was any of this real though??  In hindsight.. Yes of course.  I could have done a lot of stuff differently and perhaps changed the outcome of life.  Really though.. At 32 I look back at my life and I just see a life of false hope and promises.  I have struggled to the moon and back with my self acceptance and how much I wanted to be liked.  I just wanted a friend.    I just wanted to be like everyone else.  I wanted so bad to feel like I was part of the crowd.

Instead I spent the next 15 years post high school in this self perpetuating hell that has no return.  I did really good in my career however my self esteem was gone.  It didn’t exist and it wasn’t until I was into my thirties that I realized how trashed my image in my head was.  The image of that I project onto the world is anything but real.  When the episode hits the glaze falls over my eyes and I’m walking blind.  I can’t see where I’m going and I’m constantly living in fear that I’m going to do something wrong and that the world will hate me and punish me for it.

I called my psychiatrist yesterday.  I see them in January.  I need a complete overhaul of medication.   I thought I prepped myself so well, nope.  Just lied to myself that I had everything under control.

I know I can do better. I know tomorrow can be better. I need to hunt down this demon and banish him straight back to the swamp.

Spread cheer this holiday season. I need some.

Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Nature

It's FRIDAY!

Well, I must have slept a decent amount last night because I woke up today not hating life.  Although I had a smashing headache when I woke up this AM.  Plus I went outside at 5AM to leave for my job and my entire car is covered in Snow.. LOL – It’s November and snowing in Seattle?? Really?  I’ve lived here for five years and I’ve never seen it snow this early…  I’m excited.. I kind of miss snow..  It’s been awhile since I’ve driven IN snow so I’ll watch a YouTube training on snow driving and be OK for the winter.  haha – I get better at parallel parking with age.

IMG_0189

I saw my therapist last night and it was a pretty difficult session.  It is really hard to talk about yourself on the spot especially when you try your best for formulate your entire thought pattern for the week.  I keep a mental list in my head about topics that I want to bring up to Teddy (My therapist) yet I am always forgetting everything I wanted to bring up.  We talked about what my friend Emily is going through and how much it is affecting me.  I’ve just realized over the past few weeks since I found out she had cancer was just how much she meant to me and that I couldn’t imagine my life without her.   Cancer is evil.  We are actively praying to have the cancer banished.

Today was good.  I got a lot done and I’m sitting in this really comfy chair I got off Wayfair.com..  I swear that website is for the furniture addicts.  Good deals to be had there for sure.

Today was better than yesterday.. Thats all that counts.