ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Debt, Depression, Finances

Half awake and almost dead

Borders and horizon lines

We’re alone but side by side

We’re yet to dream, we’re yet to dream

Nothing here is what it seems

Oh, oh

Oh, oh

There’s an animal inside

There’s a fear that won’t subside

Of all the things I’ll never do

Will I ever follow through?

There’s an animal inside

There’s an animal inside

Half awake and almost dead

Keeping empty beds elsewhere

We’re yet to bleed, we’re yet to bleed

All the time and energy

Oh, oh

Oh, oh

Could we try to reinvent

Feed the head with common sense

Through the streets and avenues

I’m climbing up the walls with you

Climbing up the walls with you

I’m climbing up the walls with you

Half awake and almost dead

Keeping empty beds elsewhere

We’re yet to bleed, we’re yet to bleed

All the time and energy

Oh, oh

Oh, oh

And if we could be still, still, be still

If we could be still, still, be still

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Nourishing the soul

Life in pieces.

Hello my friends,

Please forgive my absence from writing..I’ve been in a bad funk that I just can’t shake..

Depression really sucks. It really zaps all your energy and pretty much makes me feel pretty worthless. For my followers you have seen the issues that I struggle with. My impulsive behavior, my addictions, and my self hatred that comes with the illness. My father refuses to identify my bipolar as a mental illness and instead a mental disorder ….right. I don’t agree with that in the slightest. Am I mentally fit? Not right now. Is this a disorder? No, this is an illness that I cannot cure no matter how hard I try. My meds that I take can only do so much before I feel myself wanting to crawl out of my skin.

I haven’t slept in days.

I’ve slept surely, but ever since I impulsively bought my Apple Watch the 18 hour battery doesn’t last enough for me to measure my sleep data. My therapist and my psychiatrist always tell me how critical sleep is for preventing depression.. you don’t say..! My neck has also really been hurting and that has been preventing me from sleeping comfortably. Not to mention the meds I take at bed could tranquilize an elephant however for me it just causes more hysteria in my mind.

The voices won’t shut up!

Understanding constructive criticism is probably the most difficult task that I have been faced with. As an extremist I have been told by countless individuals that I try too hard, go to the “extreme” to get things done…well what do you expect? How do you not be “extreme” when you are pre-programmed with this illness? How do we slow ourselves down? We can’t.

Often times enough I feel completely helpless in my depression. Winter is here and boy do I feel the hell of it. I’m thankful for you Colby. You keep me above water and prevent me from drowning in my self hatred and sorrows.

I ask God so many times to lead my journey, to clear these thoughts of failure in my head but often times the prayers go unanswered like I’m just fucking cursed with this life.

Jesus, are you listening?  Lord – here my prayer!

Please hear my prayers. I need you. I need salvation to get through this life.

Always,

Taylor

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Technology

All I wanted was to be liked and I destroyed myself in the process.

As a manic depressive I’ve often spent my life in the darkness, sulking in my own misery as I wanted to desperately be liked by my peers.  All I wanted was a friend in life.  All I wanted was you to ask me for a sleep over!  It was only my biggest dream when I was younger.  I wanted to be liked SO bad that I would later find out how extreme I would go to be that guy.  The one who had everything he ever wanted.  At the expense of himself.

Growing up I was always accused by my peers as having ‘riches’ and because I lived on the “East” side of town I lived in the rich kids neighbors.  Evidently just because you have a golf club near your house you’re living in the riches… Boy could that not have been farther from the truth!  In the lives of my parents career’s they were so devoted.  All my parents wanted was for my brother and I to have a good childhood filled with safe memories.  My mother and father wanted nothing more than for the kids  to grow up in a safe neighborhood.  When I was three we moved away from Los Angeles for that very reason.. LA just wasn’t safe for kids to grow up according to my parents.

Having the stigma associated with my family having the riches of the ‘East’ neighborhood it was expected that I’d be driving the newest 2002 Honda Accord to school.  Oh god, you showed up in a 1989 Pathfinder?  WORTHLESS you think.  This is JUNK.  You’re expected to have fancy wheels.  You’re expected to sit with the cool kids.  You’re expected to do AMAZING in school because your brother did so well in academics.  There was this association with my name that was passed around my town that we were the TAYLOR’s and they had a HUGE house and a ton of money.

No, we didn’t.  Not in the slightest..  In fact I didn’t realize until I entered my late twenties that I really became thankful for how my parents raised my brother Landon and I.  We were taught to be honest, to love God, to not play football, or ride of the back of a motorcycle, or get a tattoo.. I was taught that life is not handed to you on a plate.  You earn your life.

My mother use to look me straight in the eye and ask me ‘What have you got to show for it?’ ..Annoyed by the comment that she would make I often dismissed it in my head, thought was complete non sense and just didn’t care.  The issue is that when you believe these falsehoods.. You learn to establish truth them and soon these distorted views of the world can really haunt you in life.  You learn to associate joy and happiness off of what you own.  You establish that your self worth is directly tied to what you own because at the end of the day all you desire is to be liked.

You just wanted to be liked.  You just wanted to be invited to the sleepover.