Automatic Thoughts, av8r007 @ WW Connect, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Depression, Nourishing the soul, Recovery, Suicide Prevention

Learning how to love me sober

Choosing to live a life of 100% sobriety is not easy.  In fact, it’s the hardest challenge I have faced in recent years.  I thought losing weight was the hardest thing ever!

Alcohol is available everywhere, just like cigarettes.  You walk to a grocery store and you see stockpiles of liqueur in the middle of the store, and you find cigarettes behind the cashier ready for sale.   The addiction is legit, and if we’re not careful then we can end up in a rut of personal hell where every goal we set for ourselves is plagued with regret and despair because all we wanted to do was drink ourselves to oblivion, or.. death.  Lord knows I did.

The silver lining in this whole sobriety thing is that I no longer want to kill myself sober.  I’ve realized that all of my suicidal ideas that came to me were because of my substance abuse and the number of drugs that were riddled in my blood.    My sponsor and I are working on the 12 steps, and I recently completed working through Step 1 “We admitted we were powerless of alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”

Let’s think about that for a second.. “that our lives had become unmanageable.”  What does this really mean?  Is this me?  Is my life manageable while I am using drugs and alcohol?  Absolutely NOT!  Addiction was plaguing and ruining every self-positive thing I was trying to do.  I couldn’t do anything right in my life because I wouldn’t quit spending money on things I didn’t need, and my depression and anxiety were all over the map because my medications couldn’t do their job.  I would drink as soon as I walked in the door from work, and I would smoke as soon as I sat down ready to unwind.  I did this 7 days a week 365 days a year.  Yep… Unmanagable for sure.

My sponsor and I met last week to dissect Step 1 and I ended up writing out 8 pages of raw emotions on my spiral bound notebook.  It was a highly emotional experience.

I love who I am becoming.  Stronger EVERY DAY!

One Day At A Time! ❤

34 days clean

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Nourishing the soul

What a fun day!

Depression? Who are you? You don’t live here anymore.

I cannot begin to share with you how better if I feel knowing that I am controlling my emotions now and I regulate what comes in and what goes out. Only positivity is allowed to pass through the gates into my life. Misery and self hate do not live here.

I’ve just had the best weekend with friends and family.

Happy Easter! I feel great!

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Daily Prompt, Depression, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Suicide Prevention, Uncategorized, Weight Watchers

Alone & Vulnerable. You'll never guess what I found.

Today I needed to send out a powerful message that I’ve been harnessing in my soul when I made a discovery earlier this week that if I was weak or didn’t have skills in place I would have been an easy target.  I decided to clean the pantry and I found about .5 of a tall bottle vodka that was from Costco.  It was Kirkland signature and half gone.

 

NOOOOO!!

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I actually wanted to prove to myself that I could pour everything down the train, so I pulled out my phone and started recording the profound moment.  I now have a video that I can go back to my weakest moments and recount the reasons that I announced why I was doing this.  I posted this on Weight Watchers because I made it for the Connect tribe and it was a force of positive force that came with it.

Well – It was the easiest decision I made.

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Every day that I do not drink is every day that I am stronger.  I’m stronger now than I was 12 hours ago when I made the video. NSV = Non Scale Victory.. For WW followers, we’re big on NSV’s! They’re HUGE for us.


 

I don’t want to die young.  I don’t want to be depressed.  I don’t want to be manic. I don’t want this life but I have no choice.

Suicide is not an answer.

I am thrilled to announce that I will be featuring two guest bloggers on my site between now and the end of February.  I’ve chosen these individuals because of the path of freedom they have pursued and how their faith keeps them tied to the ground.

Oh yeah. Here is my progress I’m making with my weight management.

 

 

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Daily Prompt, Debt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Technology, Weight Watchers, YNAB

Accepting what you cannot change.

I saw this tonight and just started laughing.  I love you, Mom.  Whenever you find this post know that I love you to the moon and back.  Nothing will ever change that.

 

I own my disorders.  I own my mental illness.

I own my actions.  I own all my flaws.  I own my history.

I owe it to the world to blog and share my spark with the Universe.  If I have 500 million voices in my head then I can give 500 million future depressed souls my energy and ignite a storm of discussion and positive affirmations in a safe environment.

 

May Monday be forever in your favor.

 

Accepting Yourself! Anxiety, depression, and any other “gifts” you may have. (Don’t blame your mother. It’s not her fault or yours either!)

via Anxiety, Depression, And other “Gifts” You May Have — Psychology Today – Depression

 

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Debt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Technology

Failure to start. Allergic to my soul

As a mental health blogger and activist, I have struggled since I was five years old with  WHY ME for the depression I faced as a young child and how I was able to convince my own head that I was a failure to launch?   The forces that were against me growing up really manifested later in life. Years later I ask myself… Allergic to cats definitely.  Allergic to myself? 100%.  Until I started blogging and learning how to love and appreciate myself for who I am and what I’m here on Earth for.

When I was a young child I couldn’t stand who I was and I had zero self esteem because I was so depressed beyond measure.  I was teased and tormented since the 2nd grade until the 12th grade. I came out of the closet when I was 16 and it was definitely a rough part of growing up. I’m thankful however for how my parents respected my sexuality and didn’t treat me any differently.   I realize that a lot of kids don’t have an easy time telling they’re parents that they’re gay however please know that WE are here for you always.

I hated high school.  I hate everyone that tormented me.  I refused to go to my high school reunion because I couldn’t face those jerks that tore me apart inside.  I will not succumb to their level.  I am worthy.

Since I began blogging in 2017 it has helped me in so many ways.  My confidence was born when I let the shields down and told my story.

I may be allergic to cats but I’m not allergic to my life anymore.  I’m never looking back again.  I will not return to what I once was.  I will not be the victim of my self-perpetuating hate no more.

Z is for Zoloft AKA my allergy meds.

Allergic

 

 

 

 

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Nourishing the soul

5 months sober and never looking back.

Dear Friends,

For much of my life I was quite an alcoholic.  Struggling with depression it was so easy to want to drink because often times I was so miserably trapped in my head that I couldn’t see a way out of my head unless I drank.  A lot.  It wasn’t healthy in the slightest and I didn’t really care that it was the WORST thing I could do for my depression.  On my Zoloft prescription it even states: Do not drink alcohol while taking this medication!  But did I listen? Fuck no, let’s drink.  <– This is the thought pattern of depression.  Fuck it.  I wanna get DRANK.  <–This is what a typical alcoholic would say right?

5 months ago while sitting at brunch with my partner I randomly decided that that would be my final mimosa because I was ready to change my behaviors because I knew winter was going to be here soon and I needed to get my shit together if I didn’t want to be a depressed mess.  Drinking for me was a social thing.  Of course I want to be social, and you know I’m out there to be liked by everyone so if I’m not drinking.. What am I?? LOSER! <–Cue the Automatic thoughts.. Is this legit?  Yes – it is!  If all my friends are drinking, I have to do it too.  Wait.. That’s peer pressure!  I thought I left that in high school.. But did I?

Nope!  Not in the slightest.  It’s just not called peer pressure anymore.. What do you call it?  Being social?  Not being the loser?  All I want to do is fit in and be liked so I’m going to do it and deal with the consequences later.  I’m not an alcoholic.. I can quit at anytime.  Really Taylor?  Cut this shit out.. Thats not how this works.

After months of discussion with Dr Buckley regarding my substance use I finally took the plunge five months ago and gave up the sauce.  Have I felt totally better?  No.  Am I cured from depression? I WISH!  The simple answer is no.  Alcohol is not the reason for depression.  The reason for my depression is unknown but I do know that I struggled with abusing this substance and I couldn’t keep harming myself.  I’ve spent way too much money on trying to get my life straight and the buzz just ain’t worth it anymore.

I don’t care about fitting in.  I don’t care that people may categorize me as a loser for not being “fun.”  If I can protect my brain and emotions, manage my weight better, and sprint from the onslaught of depression and be a better person because of it?

Friends, you can do anything you want if you put your mind to it.  It’s so easy for us to dismiss the good we do in our lives because we want to bad to be liked by others.  It is human nature to want to be liked.  We are constantly berated with images of flawless perfection and all we want is to be is instantly famous and have a million dollars and thousands of Instagram followers.  We want fame.  We want to be known for our work.  We want to be liked.

At the end of the day.. I’m Taylor and I’m a recovering alcoholic.I’m not famous, I’m not a millionaire, and I don’t have a thousand some followers.  I don’t care about that.  I care about my life, my happiness, and being with good people.  I have no idea when my life is going to end but what I do know is that now is the time.  This is my opportunity to shine and I’m five months sober and I’m full of light.