It is now almost the end of the first month of 2018 and I’ve made more strides this month for my personal journey than I did in twelve months of last year. I’ve continued my journey to sobriety and I’m now moving into my 10th month of no absolutely NO booze. No slip ups, NOTHING, and I couldn’t be more proud of my effort! My sobriety is shining through my skin and I am at the point in my life where I can openly discuss my journey with sobriety and how blogging has led to redemption in my life.
This last week was very difficult for me as I had two swift episodes of depression kick me in the ass and I was vulnerable for the attack because my partner was away on business and it gave me so much uncertainty about the future that I had a fully enraged manic episode on Wednesday night where I consumed anything in sight. I must have eaten two pints of ice cream, bags of chips. Any junk food I could get and shove down my throat in an effort to feel better about who I was was taking place. I am so much of an emotional eater that it stresses me out to just even think about whats for dinner?!
Part of my recovery program is getting in control of my weight gain and work on the parts of my life that trigger me to consume foods that work against me like sugar and aspartame products.. btw 10 days Diet Coke free! I’m celebrating the small things in life.. The diet coke may only be 10 days but that’s also 150 cans of Diet Soda that I haven’t consumed. It’s odd since getting off of the Diet Coke my consumption of food has gone way down (Except for the binge eating) I was doing really good.
Then Wednesday happened.. Thursday I felt like absolute shit when I woke up and I’ve recently met a new friend Erin who invited me to sit next to hear in my local Weight Watchers group. We added each other on Facebook and we’ve chatted occasionally about how our week is going (Tracking our points) and it was quite nice to have that accountability partner. I told Erin about how much I was struggling with my depression and I told her about the binge episode and she encouraged me to become more aware of my habits and to go back in and track it ALL. So I did. As much as I could remember because I wanted to prove something to myself. I wanted to prove that I could do something and stick with it. Add some cute words and share it on Social Media. I’d be stupid not to jump for a chance of Universe affirmations. You know.. Law of Attraction.
I posted it on Connect (their subscriber social media tool, really neat btw) and it soared. I felt so good after Erin encouraged me to go back in and re-evaluate my goals and I got the motivation I needed to get back to where I wanted to be. I knew that the chances of me losing weight this week were very low because -253 is quite a bit! It then turned into an opportunity to not obsess about it and instead focus on eating core plan foods (new freestyle plan) and I focused on that for two days until I have my Weigh In Day at Weight Watchers in Redmond, WA. I have the best tribe there, and the best leader Pat.
I accomplished a LOT last week and the entire time I thought I was a complete failure.
Folks, the mind will play games on you like you wouldn’t believe.
My depression has lifted and my partner and I are doing better. No couple is perfect.
My depression has robbed me of enjoying my life successes and I will conquer this demon and bury it alive because I will not back down from who I am and who I am meant to be. I’ve lost two amazing people to suicide in the last month. Tyler Hilinski and a good friend from back home that I knew since kindergarten. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you, buddy. It won’t end until the stigma is broken.
We need to surround ourselves with positive sources of information so that we can break down the stigma of hate and unveil the real reason people kill themselves.
People that inspire me.
Erin Callinan is an amazing friend of mine from my childhood who also struggles with bipolar disorder and has written a masterpiece that I absolutely adore. Thank you, Erin for sharing your light with the world. Erin recently gave a speech that I’ve included below as well that she gave regarding stigma and suicide. I found it to be very impactful because I know very well of what she speaks about because I have experienced all of it, first hand.
Stigma must be eliminated. If my blog can reach you and you are feeling suicidal please reach out to your best friend, or someone you TRUST. If you feel like you are alone and feel dark please reach out and talk to someone. Talk to me. Write a comment. Share with me what you experience and let me be your voice.
Don’t suffer alone. We can suffer together and make this world a better place.
Remember please use the following resources if you are suicidal, having suicidal thoughts or tendencies, OR know someone who is experiencing these symptoms PLEASE save their life and call 911. DO NOT IGNORE IT AND HOPE THEY GET BETTER.
Tyler Hilinski was an all-star football player and he ended his life two weeks ago and nobody knew he was depressed.