Depression

Despite the clouds I’m feeling pretty good.

It must be fall in Seattle if you can no longer see the Space Needle through the dense clouds.

Now more than ever it is time for my happy late to be built into my daily routine, which ✅ totally nailed today! Thanks to Alexa and her handy dandy technology that I use to automate my life. It is so much easier to be bipolar in 2018 then it was in 2003 when technology like this didn’t exist, and the label of bipolar didn’t really exist like it does today.

I had a good day today. I went to the gym after work and flirted with some really attractive guys. Wow.. But hey.. they can spot me anytime. Just sayin.

I’m love being single. Absolutely love it. I’m lean, I’m gaining control of my life, and I look good naked. FINALLY!

What did I do to cause this?

Well.

– I gave up drinking 2 years ago

– I joined a gym across the street from my career

-I logged into WW every day and logged my food

-I posted on WW Connect daily A) for attendance and B.) to let ppl know I’m still alive.. 2017 was a dark year for me. 2018 started out really dark, but in the end turned out to be the year of my lifetime.

I’m not perfect, and I’m not trying to be anymore. I tried chasing perfection and I ended up with nothing but debt and depression. Perfection is flawed. It’s fake.

Be well World. Chase your happiness. I’m chasing mine

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Daily Prompt, Depression, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Suicide Prevention, Uncategorized, Weight Watchers

Alone & Vulnerable. You'll never guess what I found.

Today I needed to send out a powerful message that I’ve been harnessing in my soul when I made a discovery earlier this week that if I was weak or didn’t have skills in place I would have been an easy target.  I decided to clean the pantry and I found about .5 of a tall bottle vodka that was from Costco.  It was Kirkland signature and half gone.

 

NOOOOO!!

IMG_0073

I actually wanted to prove to myself that I could pour everything down the train, so I pulled out my phone and started recording the profound moment.  I now have a video that I can go back to my weakest moments and recount the reasons that I announced why I was doing this.  I posted this on Weight Watchers because I made it for the Connect tribe and it was a force of positive force that came with it.

Well – It was the easiest decision I made.

IMG_0107.JPG

Every day that I do not drink is every day that I am stronger.  I’m stronger now than I was 12 hours ago when I made the video. NSV = Non Scale Victory.. For WW followers, we’re big on NSV’s! They’re HUGE for us.


 

I don’t want to die young.  I don’t want to be depressed.  I don’t want to be manic. I don’t want this life but I have no choice.

Suicide is not an answer.

I am thrilled to announce that I will be featuring two guest bloggers on my site between now and the end of February.  I’ve chosen these individuals because of the path of freedom they have pursued and how their faith keeps them tied to the ground.

Oh yeah. Here is my progress I’m making with my weight management.

 

 

Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Suicide Prevention

#RIP3 – Rest in Peace Tyler

I love football.  I am a huge Seahawks fan and I definitely know the Cougars well.    There was an article written in their local newspaper and it strikes a great point that I just had to share with you:

“Depression is our No. 1 risk factor for suicide,” Votava said. “Across all ages, 90 percent of people who die by suicide have a diagnosable mental health issue at the time of their passing.” And for about 60 percent of people who take their own lives, she said, “it’s depression that they’re dealing with.”

Votava founded FailSafe For Life, a nonprofit devoted to educating people about suicide risks, in 2016. She is motivated by the deaths of her brothers, Zach and Kacey, who ended their lives within six months of each other in 2003.

Zach, who died at 22, “was a recent college graduate with a degree in plastics engineering,” Votava said. “Just a very, very bright man.”

Kacey, who was 23, “just had a new job offer,” she said. “He had kind of a rough year earlier in the year, but it seemed like things were turning around for him.”

Speaking generally, Votava said people often mistakenly assume that others who are “successful” or “high-functioning” are mentally healthy and at low risk of suicide.

http://www.spokesman.com/stories/2018/jan/17/after-tyler-hilinskis-suicide-cougar-fans-urge-foc/#/0

If you know of anyone that is suicidal please DO NOT DELAY in notifying 911 immediately.  If you know someone who is suicidal or had ANY suicidal thoughts.  Give them the National Suicide Center:

1-800-273-8255

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Trevor Project

1-866-488-7386

https://www.thetrevorproject.org

The fact that he was just 21 is the hardest part to understand.

 

Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Technology

Self hate and the quest to shine.

I’m feeling really depressed as of lately.  I need something to bring me up.  I need something shiny to give me renewed self worth so that I can feel valued in society.  I need it because I need to feel valued, I need to feel wanted.  I need to feel validated.  Without you I’m nothing.

Self Worth = Self Identity.  I am what I own.  No matter what..

The logic was there for me.. If I have the latest iPhone, the coolest case, and the latest iPad I’d be so popular, and so many people would like me.  Really Taylor?  Do you really feel like you can’t be liked if you don’t have the latest and greatest?  Yes.  Sadly Yes.

I’ve told my friends and family about these issues that I struggle with and for the majority nobody can understand this and nobody can really understand what it is that I deal with.  I chose to blog so that I can share my world and understanding with the online community in an attempt to brighten my world view and reach out to others that may share in their own distorted reality.  I want so bad to be liked.  I’ll do whatever I can to be liked.  Even if it kills me.  I just wanted to be liked.

Trigger the automatic thoughts..  You are worthless.  You are the worst person out there.  You shouldn’t be alive.  You suck Taylor.  Failure.

These are the thoughts that ripped through my mind when I was child.  These are the thoughts that manifested into my life and became a belief as I became an adult.  I deal with these thoughts during a depressive episode.  I deal with these thoughts when I’m absolutely happy and content.  Depression can derail me at any give point and when it hits it can hit hard and last for days.. weeks.. months.

I look thought my iPhone for motivational posters and I see so many selfies of me smiling, friends and I together, and I see my loving partner.  I’m looking through all these pictures starting to feel sorry for myself because I’m so depressed that nobody will like me and then I find a picture I saved six months ago that really struck a chord.

If you change the way you think. You’ll change the way you feel.

How could i have applied cognitive behavior therapy so my childhood thought patterns?

How could I halt the automatic thought disaster in its tracks?

STOP.. Close your eyes.. Count back from 10 and just shut up.  Shut everything off and close your eyes INCLUDING your mind.

“This is non sense Taylor.  You are an amazing individual”

“Taylor, what you own is not what makes you likable.  You are likable for who you are as a person and people like you because of WHO YOU ARE INSIDE.. Not what you possess on the outside.

If I change the way I think.  I’ll change the way I feel.

It’s not easy.. It’s not meant to be easy and it doesn’t always work.  The point is that if you at least practice at making this work for you then it can work for you.  You have to believe in yourself and believe in your heart that you are worth it and that you can do it.

I’m not perfect at this.  But I’m going to try.  Even if I don’t get it right the first time, or tenth I know that I’m going to try until the day I die because I don’t want to feel like this forever.  I want to be loved for WHO i AM inside.