Feb 5, 2018
I choose happiness over anything else. No Exceptions.
LOVE ME unconditionally
I choose to be confident
I choose to remain sober
I choose peace.
Feb 5, 2018
I choose happiness over anything else. No Exceptions.
I choose to be confident
I choose to remain sober
I choose peace.
A few days ago I had the worst depression episode of my entire life when my partner and I decided to have a conversation regarding the potential of opening up our relationship a bit more because maybe.. things just weren’t happing at home?? These types of relationships are common in our world and I’ve just found that being in a committed relationship for the past five years has kinda worn thin on me and really made me question why I’m even with him if I’m so unhappy..?
Friday night was the end of the last five years of my life with my partner. I wish he understood me more. I feel like in order to fully be free inside a relationship your partner must understand you 150% and vice versa. It’s a two-way road and requires equal emotional input. I couldn’t give it to him, and he couldn’t give it to me either… Guess what? That’s totally OK.
No relationship is perfect and mine certainly wasn’t.
I am thankful for the last five years of our lives together. I have learned so much about my life and what I want to achieve in this life.
We’re working out the custody arrangements of my husky. It breaks my heart to even have to move out soon but none the less separate myself from the dog that kept me so happy despite a turbulent relationship. At the end of the day I am 32, soon to be 33 in two weeks and I’m single. I got together with my ex when I was 28 and it ended when I was almost 33. What a ride.
For something that I didn’t think would last more than six months, it proved to be an experience from around the world. Selfies in Mexico. Selfies in front of the Eiffel tower. OMG. Selfies with our beers in London. What fun we had! I have zero regrets over what happened in our relationship Colby. This was an amazing experience to be a part of and you have taught me so much. I am sober now and as I soon enter my eleventh month of sobriety I must be on my game and continue to achieve success.
My depression over the breakup comes and goes. I have random fits of sobbing, and asthma induced laughing of the memories we’ve shared. Thank you, Colby, for teaching me how to do manual labor. I can say that I’ve scrapped popcorn ceilings before! I can say that I’ve ripped the carpet up! Fuck, what fun we had. I’m going to miss enjoy our friendship. I’ve been told I’m better at friendships than relationships anyways. That’s not true. I just haven’t met you yet.
I’m going to be single for a really long time. I’m thinking two years at least. I have so much shit I need to work on. Pay of mounds of debt, student loans, everything. I need to fix me before I allow myself to open up again to someone else.
Life is good. I have no complaints. Depression doesn’t live here anymore.
PS. I’ve been back at the gym working hard on my fitness and my Weight Watcher goals. I’m down almost ten pounds and I’m definitely feeling a LOT better. I certainly feel a lot sexier. Amazing! Single looks good on this mug.
Good Evening my WordPress followers and everyone that tonight reaches.
What a fantastic day today has been. Full of energy, life, love, and happiness. I happily enjoyed my career today, and I even made it to the gym today and powered thru an hour of HIIT. I feel like I’m finally in control of my life and learning how to love yourself is such an essential step in self-love. I got to hug my dog tonight and I just realized how lucky I am to own such a beautiful dog and give him an amazing home.
As I live my life through blogging, I have realized that there are challenges in my life that I have ignored for a long time and now that I am in control of my life I am facing those issues head on and not backing down.
My health is worth it! I am SO proud of myself for achieving my goals for today! I earned 45 Fit Points on Weight Watchers today. I’ll be SKINNY in no time!
I look at myself in the mirror, and I see this incredibly genuine person who is destined to inspire and lead change in this world.
PS. I’m taking my meds every day and my depression score on Feelin Good is at an all-time LOW. I can’t wait to tell Chris tomorrow!
As I continue to learn more about my self awareness as a mental health blogger I have realized that I have so much more self control over myself because of this blog and the impact that it has had on my life in so many unexpected ways. My Weight Watchers Connect feed is exploding and I feel SO good knowing that I am kicking ass on the program, attending meetings FINALLY showing up!
Most of all I’m happy that despite the mini meltdown on Saturday I recovered extremely quickly by reorganization my thoughts into better constructive words and made new thoughts in my head by reinforcing teachings from ‘Feeling Good’. Overall I’m still at the same place I was two weeks ago in the book.. But that doesn’t matter.
I am better today than I was 3 months ago and it’s because of this blog and the impact that I have felt from it. As I’ve explained to my therapist last Thursday all I do now is work my career, and then focus on this blog solely and building my online YouTube community. In addition I am working on a miniseries with Weight Watchers Connect community on self help for mental health and provide a friendship to someone that is new to recovery or just needs someone to talk to.
After Tyler Hilinski’s death I’ve just thought more about it and realized just how out of touch the world is with mental illness and that it’s more important than ever before that WE the mental health community and the bloggers UNITE and make some magic happen! We need to break down these stereotypes and destroy the stigma associated with mental health. The system is completely broken and it must be fixed. We cannot afford to lose these innocent children to depression and suicide.
Thank you Followers, Visitor, whoever you are, wherever you are for taking the opportunity out of your day to spend it with me.
I’m really working on daily content! I’m happy!
“Washington State coach Mike Leach says there were no outward signs that would have alarmed coaches or teammates before Tyler Hilinski took his own life.
Leach spoke extensively about Hilinski’s death for the first time on Saturday. Hilinski died Tuesday of a self-inflicted gunshot wound.”
Unbelievable. This could have been prevented except for the stigma behind depression prevents the conversation from happening.
Period of moping around??? Seriously. Learn how to understand depression. Every depressed child will confide in at least one friend regarding his depression. If he was suicidal it’s his friends responsibility to report that immediately.
There is no time for error in judgement when dealing with suicidal thoughts
I wish you were still with us. The government failed you. Mental health is never talked about until after suicide or violence. Even then it is mentioned for five days before falling forgotten. Deaf on the ears of those who need their voice the most.
Today I needed to send out a powerful message that I’ve been harnessing in my soul when I made a discovery earlier this week that if I was weak or didn’t have skills in place I would have been an easy target. I decided to clean the pantry and I found about .5 of a tall bottle vodka that was from Costco. It was Kirkland signature and half gone.
I actually wanted to prove to myself that I could pour everything down the train, so I pulled out my phone and started recording the profound moment. I now have a video that I can go back to my weakest moments and recount the reasons that I announced why I was doing this. I posted this on Weight Watchers because I made it for the Connect tribe and it was a force of positive force that came with it.
Well – It was the easiest decision I made.
Every day that I do not drink is every day that I am stronger. I’m stronger now than I was 12 hours ago when I made the video. NSV = Non Scale Victory.. For WW followers, we’re big on NSV’s! They’re HUGE for us.
I don’t want to die young. I don’t want to be depressed. I don’t want to be manic. I don’t want this life but I have no choice.
Suicide is not an answer.
I am thrilled to announce that I will be featuring two guest bloggers on my site between now and the end of February. I’ve chosen these individuals because of the path of freedom they have pursued and how their faith keeps them tied to the ground.
Oh yeah. Here is my progress I’m making with my weight management.
Remember the number 44 I’ll come back to it soon. As many of you know I’ve been practicing the methods of CBT in David Burns ‘Feeling Good’ handbook. I am also in therapy weekly with Chris and tonight was easily the best session to date because I was entirely focused on self, and setting up processes and routines are the key to keeping me on success.
About the 44:
Last week at my session I had to do the same survey (we do it weekly to track progress) and last week I scored a 20/25 score.Which put me at ‘Severely Depressed’ and indeed I was. Over the course of November and December was a very dark period in my life. I became self-obsessed with the tiniest thing in life that would just set me off and before I knew it I would focus so much negative energy in my heart into my head and it would cause me to either have a mental breakdown or a manic episode within no time.
Today before my apt I did the test again and I didn’t think about the questions I just checked it off as I went down and I scored an 8. “Normal, but mildly depressed.” LOL.
Well shit! I’m not normal.
I am so excited for my blog. I’ve been working on my YouTube channel and I need to learn how to edit videos! I want to become good at this and learn a new skill. I follow some really cool people on YouTube like Brian McDuff who owns a YouTube channel specializing in awesome tech and he’s a fantastic photographer and he makes really good videos. This is the type of work I want to get involved with next. I am fortunate to have access to Lynda.com through my local public library,.. <–AMAZING PERK!! I was shocked when I found out that I could get that for free…. wait .. yeah free!
I’m going to go to the Library this weekend and sit down in a corner and sift out my ideas and start learning a new talent. I absolutely admire librarians. They’re the best teachers ever.
Thank you all for the kindness that you have shown me. I am beyond blessed to the moon & back for all the love and courage that you’ve shown me. You’ve allowed me to be my most vulnerable and being able to share my life with you and the struggles I face is a very rewarding experience.
Today was a weird day. Did you have a weird Monday too? Well on the way to the train this morning at 5am I was tired of feeling like shit when I wake up and I started to think about what I did the previous day and the previous days that I’ve felt similar:
Diet Coke. You are killing me.
For my entire life, all 32 years of it I have been drinking Diet Coke everyday multiple times a day. In fact I would drink more Diet Coke than water everyday because I hate the flavor of water and I’m tired of peeing all the time when I drink tons of water.. but even Diet Coke is a diuretic so it would do the same thing!
Naturally I said, I’m done. Today I’m giving up Diet Coke entirely. If that wasn’t enough I then decided to include energy drinks (diet) and also include ALL fake sugar products to he banned effective immediately. Did I go too far? Maybe.
I wasn’t even having a manic moment this morning to trigger an All or Nothing reference.. I felt like I wanted to vomit this AM so naturally I associated it with my Diet Coke consumption. Because that makes so much since Mark. Or does it?
There have been in mind-numbing out there berating Diet Coke and it’s affects on the body. Most importantly Aspartame effect on the body. Diet Pepsi recently removed aspartame from their product and maintained the taste. Well that’s just great! But it’s not Diet Coke. I have a preference! Had a preference.
So it is now 5:03pm and I’m on the bus ride home and I managed to not drink anything Diet today and I stayed within my points today for WW but I am getting hangry fast! It’s a a process. Maybe I should have done Diet Coke for two weeks and then take out energy drinks (diet) but knowing me and my patterns that wouldn’t have been a good idea either because it would still be TOO MUCH for me to handle and my stresses would barrel out of control and would cause me to fall into a manic episode. Im not fortune telling either (which is another thought pattern in David Burns book) as by me indicating my future would be an assumption that I know may not be true.
As far as the Diet Coke consumption AND the diet products are gone. Now that I am blogging I am expecting my followers to hold me accountable. Ha no kidding. I’m sure you’ll hear about this a lot because like Alcohol, Diet Coke is an addiction.
I think about the science research they say about artificial sugars and aspartame in the body and as much as I don’t want to agree I have to. This shit is disgusting as to what it does to our bodies.
All it takes is a google search for “aspartame” and if you’re feeling lucky just let Google fill in the rest of the prediction.. Aspartame..kills, depression, causes manic, causes schizophrenic episodes..etc all of it.
There are a bunch of other habits I’d like to get rid of now including:
Leaving the seat up
Going to bed by 9 every night
Waking up at 5am with no snoozes
Hanging up my towel. (You’re welcome babe)
And many many other things that I can’t even think of.
Where does it all start?
Easy: Be removing Diet Coke from my life I am confident that it will give me a sense of power over my thoughts and what I put in my body. In addition I will look sexier, slimmer, and maybe my teeth will get whiter.
I don’t see any negative consequences yet?
Except for being an irritable bitch.
I know that I will be successful at removing this from my life once again. A few things are different this time that gives me better chances of being successful including:
Being stable on medications
Not doing everything overnight
Follow Weight Watchers
All four of these are on my side and should not get in the way of me attaining what I want out of life. As I mentioned in earlier posts. I want to get my physique back. I’m tired of being overweight. Being overweight contributes heavily to my self esteem and mental health.
Everyday that I continue this journey of sobriety, and as I remove these substance battles from my life I will only improve greatly. There is no negative side effects with improving your life. I’m ready to change. I’m ready to feel good again. When I don’t feel sexy, I eat terribly and feel like a sloth in the mirror.
No more! Just Diet Coke no more, AND fake sugar products. If I just gave up Diet Coke and continued to drink fake sugar products I wouldn’t be improving my chances. If anything i would worsen my chances of remaining free from soda consumption. God I make it sound worse than giving up the sauce but I drank diet products 10x the amount of alcohol I drank.
If someone cut me, I’d bleed Diet Coke.
I saw this tonight and just started laughing. I love you, Mom. Whenever you find this post know that I love you to the moon and back. Nothing will ever change that.
I own my disorders. I own my mental illness.
I own my actions. I own all my flaws. I own my history.
I owe it to the world to blog and share my spark with the Universe. If I have 500 million voices in my head then I can give 500 million future depressed souls my energy and ignite a storm of discussion and positive affirmations in a safe environment.
May Monday be forever in your favor.
Accepting Yourself! Anxiety, depression, and any other “gifts” you may have. (Don’t blame your mother. It’s not her fault or yours either!)
Two movies in two days. Wow! Actually I love movies. It’s something my bestie and I do frequently and it definitely means a lot to both of us to be able to spend quality time together. We used to work together (that’s how we met) and our adventure continues post career. She’s the one that keeps me cool when I’m having a manic moments and want to impulsively buy a Taco Bell franchise. Slow down Sparkles.
Thanks Megan for that nickname.. haha I own it. Nobody else but ME. 🌈🔥❤️
Blogging is the best mental therapy for me. My impulsive behaviors are at an all time low and my moods are much more stable. I believe that by me writing down my thoughts from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep allows me to construct better formed thoughts and emotions in my head.
So I’m a technology nerd, Apple fanboy aka debt king. I mean I love their technology but not the markup! But whatever this isint about iPhones this is about me telling myself CONGRATS MARK!! You’re doing great and you are shining bright!
I’m doing this every morning when I wake up:
I am worthy
I am loved
I am amazing
God is with me
I’m just gonna keep doing what I’m doing. I haven’t felt this stable really ever and I’m not just saying that because the 🌞 was out today! Ok well maybe. Ok fine. Thank you for the vitamin D!
I’m still thinking about returning to the gym tomorrow. Is it a fear? What is it? Am I scared to fail again?
I’m going to pack my gym bag anyways tonight. If I decide to go tomorrow after career then sure. It’s across the street from work. I’m out of reasons.
Like I said in a previous post, I am my worst enemy. I put so many limits on what my mind wants/can achieve.