ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Debt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul

Lost connection: Universe hear me roar

By choosing to confront my worst fears in life was a an option for me to continue my life before I made any stupid drastic decisions. As a mental health blogger and activist, I know that there have been many times in my life where I have felt so alone and worthless because of the events that are triggered in my life.

Blogging is my way of connecting with the universe and sharing my view of depression and it impacts on society. We are broken. Our world is broken into so many different pieces and there are too many barriers that prevent us from achieving true happiness. We either may feel like we’re not good enough, talented enough for that job, or you may just not have the strength to get out of bed because of the depression you are faced with.

Remember my friends, you are SO not alone in this! We are UNITED. Divided we fall. Let’s fix the system while we still can. It starts with a conversation.

Blogging and connecting with my followers is the best gift that the higher power has given me.  I am beyond thankful for the ability to write and to share with you on this journey.

Much love to you and yours.

Mark

Viable

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Debt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Technology, YNAB

Volume 2: Episode 2 – Removing the triggers

Triggers for impulsive thoughts:

# 1 Reading other blog websites like BGR.com, Engadget.com or any tech related blog showcasing new items and offering reviews of products.

Type of automatic thought associated: All or Nothing (if I don’t have the latest device ->>>tied to #1 tells me that reading these blogs and websites can cause rage and trigger impulsive thoughts that lead to impulsive actions.

#2: Feeling fat from an eating disorder. While I haven’t been clinically diagnosed with an eating disorder it doesn’t mean that I don’t already have one. Let’s look at the facts: I binge eat on often everyday foods until the point that I fee like puking..yet I don’t make myself puke. Instead I would pour some tasty alcohol to wash it down with and feel depressed the next day (because of alcohol being a depressant and the regret of binging on food)

Type of automatic thought associated: Everything!

The truth is that with CBT and binge eating (being a disorder itself) there is no set characteristic as to where my thought pattern lays other than being corrupt and not true. Perhaps Overgeneralization or Emotional Reasoning. Regardless, if I follow my WW plan and adhere to their guidelines I will lose this weight and it will have an astounding effect on my self esteem. I’m looking forward to it!

#4: iPhone apps

This one I didn’t see coming but when you think about it..makes total sense!

Situation: I’m feeling depressed and my self worth is in the toilet. I didn’t do well on a work project and took the critical feedback negatively and it blossoms into a full depression episode and I’m feeling lousy and want to feel better…I pull out my iPhone and see Amazon….

Solution: It is so easy to use these apps for self pleasure and to make purchasing and spending money easier than ever. What do you do in these situations to prevent history from repeating itself?

DELETE ALL IMPULSIVE APPS!

What a genius idea! I don’t NEED this apps for my survival. I don’t NEED the distraction of online shopping to take me away from the task at hand. On today’s train ride home I deleted the following: Amazon, Wayfair, Target, Any retail app is GONE! I have no intention of downloading that again. If they’re out of site they’re out of my mind. Done.

Remember this: Only this Mark and to everyone on earth.

You are loved. You are a warrior. You are capable of achieving anything you put your mind too.

My depression robs me of anything positive.

May 2018 be the year that changes my soul. I’m not giving up and neither should you.

Tomorrow I will have seen my therapist and will share with you my knowledge and empower you to change your life! We got this. #together

xX

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Nourishing the soul, Technology, Weight Watchers

I’ve created a revolution

It feels so amazing to inspire others. It’s incredibly hard to understand others and how they feel when we are fighting our own pain from within our deepest corners. How did we survive this long? It’s easy. We supported each other in a time of need and I needed you so I’m thankful that I can be here. I’m thankful to write, to vlog, and to share with the world my vision of peace, solitude, and most of all gratitude.

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Today I celebrated a major accomplishment on my channel and I couldn’t be happier. Over at Weight Watchers Connect there is this amazing social community where we embrace each other in their worst moments, or we comment on each other’s selfies and tell each other how AMAZING you are! It’s not about how you look. It’s about how you feel when you know that you’re loved, just the way you are. Just the way God created you.

Ive realized in this very short journey on blogging, that my life is very special. I’m incredibly grateful for the opportunity to create, and to share and inspire.

The journey is not over. It’s just beginning.

This video I posted to Connect earlier. It gives you some idea of what my last 24 hours was like.

I’m finally doing something for ME! Nobody else can tell me what I can and cannot do.

It’s GO time!

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Nourishing the soul, Technology, Weight Watchers

24 hours later.

Hello my friends,

WOW!!!!! I was picked up by #WeightWatchers for a member spotlight story tonight. I can’t believe it. I couldn’t believe it. Me!

Cue Elle Woods.

I’m so happy to be sharing my life with all of you. I’m sharing my journey, being healthy, logging my food and stepping it. I think I had a breakthrough in therapy tonight. Or a melt down. Not sure but I sobbed for a bit with Dr Turnbull but I realized that this is my purpose. To write. To share my story. I don’t have all the answers no..

—-

I sobbed. I cried. And I said enough!

I’m tired of being the victim!

24 hours later I’m picked up for a feature ed. The power of social media and the influence of spreading love to such a profound community is an amazing experience.

If you are a Weight Watcher subscriber, you can also follow me on Connect @AV8R007

Xx

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Nourishing the soul

Life in pieces.

Hello my friends,

Please forgive my absence from writing..I’ve been in a bad funk that I just can’t shake..

Depression really sucks. It really zaps all your energy and pretty much makes me feel pretty worthless. For my followers you have seen the issues that I struggle with. My impulsive behavior, my addictions, and my self hatred that comes with the illness. My father refuses to identify my bipolar as a mental illness and instead a mental disorder ….right. I don’t agree with that in the slightest. Am I mentally fit? Not right now. Is this a disorder? No, this is an illness that I cannot cure no matter how hard I try. My meds that I take can only do so much before I feel myself wanting to crawl out of my skin.

I haven’t slept in days.

I’ve slept surely, but ever since I impulsively bought my Apple Watch the 18 hour battery doesn’t last enough for me to measure my sleep data. My therapist and my psychiatrist always tell me how critical sleep is for preventing depression.. you don’t say..! My neck has also really been hurting and that has been preventing me from sleeping comfortably. Not to mention the meds I take at bed could tranquilize an elephant however for me it just causes more hysteria in my mind.

The voices won’t shut up!

Understanding constructive criticism is probably the most difficult task that I have been faced with. As an extremist I have been told by countless individuals that I try too hard, go to the “extreme” to get things done…well what do you expect? How do you not be “extreme” when you are pre-programmed with this illness? How do we slow ourselves down? We can’t.

Often times enough I feel completely helpless in my depression. Winter is here and boy do I feel the hell of it. I’m thankful for you Colby. You keep me above water and prevent me from drowning in my self hatred and sorrows.

I ask God so many times to lead my journey, to clear these thoughts of failure in my head but often times the prayers go unanswered like I’m just fucking cursed with this life.

Jesus, are you listening?  Lord – here my prayer!

Please hear my prayers. I need you. I need salvation to get through this life.

Always,

Taylor

Automatic Thoughts, Depression

Depression… Why me?

I’ve struggled with depression for pretty much my entire life… However it wasn’t until I moved to Seattle in 2012 did I realize that… maybe I’m different than everyone else… Why do I always feel like this?  I would often ask myself.. Why did you move here Mark?  Were you moving to Seattle to find happiness, or was it just to start over?  Well it was a little of both.

In 2012, I started seeing a therapist whom I’ve been with for five years now.  Dr Miller is absolutely amazing at how he understands me and can offer me real life solutions to problems that I experience.  I was really lucky when I discovered him at random while searching for a therapist..  I didn’t know I was bipolar in 2012, I just knew that I hated feeling this way and that I needed to seek some advice for it.

I’ve spent a good part of the last few years working on my self acceptance, and learning to love myself.  It is difficult when I have an episode to find any self love because when I am manic I feel as if I just hate myself inside and out and that I am a failure that cannot do any good.  Is this realistic?  Is this really a fact?

No, it’s not a fact.  It’s a falsehood reality that I have created in my mind and I assign so much power to it that I believe its true.  When I am having a episode I want to feel better the fastest way possible.  I would often find myself drinking excessively in order to make myself feel better when only realizing the next day I felt worse and that ALCOHOL MAKES YOU FEEL DEPRESSED!

So at the end of the day.. I’m a depressed individual.  I have a mental illness and I’m going to have it for the rest of my life.  Why me?  Why did I get chosen for this?

Rather than sulk in self misery I am choosing to write and to share my journey.  Life is incredibly difficult however I believe in my heart that if we share our lives with each other we may feel better at the end of the day.  At least thats what I’m going for.

Winter is coming and I need to be as prepared as I possibly can.

Take care,

 

Taylor