Depression

Despite the clouds I’m feeling pretty good.

It must be fall in Seattle if you can no longer see the Space Needle through the dense clouds.

Now more than ever it is time for my happy late to be built into my daily routine, which ✅ totally nailed today! Thanks to Alexa and her handy dandy technology that I use to automate my life. It is so much easier to be bipolar in 2018 then it was in 2003 when technology like this didn’t exist, and the label of bipolar didn’t really exist like it does today.

I had a good day today. I went to the gym after work and flirted with some really attractive guys. Wow.. But hey.. they can spot me anytime. Just sayin.

I’m love being single. Absolutely love it. I’m lean, I’m gaining control of my life, and I look good naked. FINALLY!

What did I do to cause this?

Well.

– I gave up drinking 2 years ago

– I joined a gym across the street from my career

-I logged into WW every day and logged my food

-I posted on WW Connect daily A) for attendance and B.) to let ppl know I’m still alive.. 2017 was a dark year for me. 2018 started out really dark, but in the end turned out to be the year of my lifetime.

I’m not perfect, and I’m not trying to be anymore. I tried chasing perfection and I ended up with nothing but debt and depression. Perfection is flawed. It’s fake.

Be well World. Chase your happiness. I’m chasing mine

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Depression, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Weight Watchers

Finding my true identity

It’s been a crazy busy week and I’ve been living an amazing life with absolutely zero depression! I’m back in total control and I’m hitting the gym 5 days a week, and I’m down 31 pounds since Halloween 2017!

I still have my ups/downs but far less. Why? Easy. I’m putting me first. Every day. Nothing will ever come between me and my ultimate goal. My depression has always and will forever be tied to my self image and instead of hating myself for being overweight I’m going to love myself instead for who I am and be the best version of myself.

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Depression, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Uncategorized, Weight Watchers

This is the life I've waited for.

The sun is shining, and my depression is gone. I haven’t felt an episode since the breakup which is a further sign that everything is working out the way it’s supposed to. I have zero regrets over the last five years of my relationship or the adventures that my ex and I traveled. We toured the world because we were friends. Friendship is the outline of any successful relationship, and we had that covered from day one which I think made the split easier to deal with because I knew I could fall back on my friendship with Colby and know that everything continued going to be okay. Even if we didn’t have Denali, it still wouldn’t have changed anything.
I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and I feel confident in knowing that Colby and I will have a great friendship and that our dog Denali will have a fantastic life because I’m still going to be there for him just as he was there for me through all the tears of breaking up. Dogs are incredibly sensitive to our emotions, and as hard as it is to no longer live with Denali I have his photo up in my crash pad, and I am finding dog fur on the floor already. See. The gift of owning dogs. Their coat goes everywhere you go.
Being single now, and sober I am determined and focused as ever on my continued journey towards health, happiness, AND sobriety. Just because I’m on my own will never give me a reason to run out for a drink, or bring a bottle home and cozy up on the couch and watch reruns of Will & Grace. Yeah no. That is not who I am, and that is not my life anymore. I’ll wait for the Will & Grace no problem however my beverage will be of water substance with zero alcohol in it. No thank you. Alcohol fucks me up. I don’t like to be fucked up. I love being in control of myself and my emotions.
I’ve continued to take the Burns Depression checklist every week (even though my therapist is on holiday for 2wks) I have kept tracking my progress, and I am in the single digits right now for depression management! I scored a seven as my total score out of 50, and the result was ‘Normal, and not depressed.’ HA… Normal. I’m anything but normal. A 7 is outstanding; I’ll take it.

Why do I feel so happy? I have no roadblocks in my way anymore. By the way, before you think it is my ex that was my roadblock that is not the case. The dam was my doubt that I could live a life and supply my happiness without having to rely on another individual to get me through life. Like I said. No regrets! I just realized that I’m about to turn 33 in a week and I wanted more in life. I’ve never had a 2nd relationship. Other than flyboy. But flyboy will always have a special place in my heart. Flyboy and Mark had a short-lived, but our memories last a lifetime

This post is scattered, but that doesn’t matter because I’m writing my thoughts out and allowing the power of moving ideas out of my mind lets me release the Kraken of anxiety and unleash the real beast inside. The athletic, bipolar, self-sustaining happiness, SOBER, fun loving guy.

 

 

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Finances, Nourishing the soul, Technology

Technology actually does amazing things for my depression.

Have trouble limiting social media exposure? Tech giants want it that way.

  via Technology Designed for Addiction — Psychology Today – Depression

 

For being manic I sure do love technology.. Especially expensive technology because of the falsehood in my previous life where I felt like my soul was tied to the goods I owned and not the actual person that I was.  There was just so much personal judgment there that was totally unnecessary.  It is stupid how much pressure we put on ourselves just to be happy.  I’m perfectly content with keeping the basic apps on my phone that I need access to.  For depression apps, I have many CBT apps that actually help me.  I also belong to HeadSpace

Except for the issue with these apps is I forget about them after some time because of how easily bored I can get.   I definitely believe that children need to limit the amount of screen time that they receive.  I see so many kids these days with tablets glued to their faces as parents use it for an escape route.  I get it.  If I could give my dog a tablet I would.  I applaud any parent.  I couldn’t raise a kid worth shit.  This is why I have a dog.  A cute pup.  We had such a good day today.    There is an app called Stigma that is surprisingly well polished as works a social penpal networking tool.  It’s really unique and gives voices a chance to be heard.

 

 

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Nourishing the soul

Stars among the gray

The weekend has arrived in Seattle and I couldn’t be more happy to see it! This week has been grueling for my depression, my eating habits, and my sleep but I am confident that the depression that I’ve faced this last week is on its way out of my head and I’m really happy about that. Last night I saw my therapist and we talked extensively about the self-worth issue that is so persistent in my mind. We worked on some really good techniques and I had the opportunity to think about them tonight and I’m writing tonight because I promised you that I would provide you with some thoughts on this article.

So last night at therapy I was handed ’15 ways to untwist your thinking:

Here is the link to the document: 15 Ways to Untwist Your Thinking

I’ve read only half of “Feeling good” and when I told my therapist I was reading the book he was ecstatic and couldn’t wait to whip out his copy and show me that he has it too! Imagine that. I knew I liked you doc. Well I only made it half way through the book before I naturally became sidetracked from reading and fell out of interest. I was also less depressed while I was reading the book because it was definitely helping me apply some good techniques to battling my depression and racing thoughts. You would think that I would want to immediately jump back into another self help book and bury myself in positive reinforcing thoughts.. right? Nope. I hate reading books! I get so bored reading them.. Cue the ADHD that refuses to allow my mind to focus on reading a book. Yet, I love to write and read REAL stories. I like to read stories about your life. How do you handle self help books? Do you actively apply the techniques as you read them? Or do you want till you finish the book before you apply it to your mind?

I’d like to tear apart a thought constructively and practice this document in theory:

Thought: It’s no shame you didn’t get invited to the party. You’re a LOSER! Everybody hates you.

Method: The double standard technique

Description of Method: Instead of putting yourself down, talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you might talk to a friend who was upset.

Question to ask yourself: Would I say such harsh things to a friend with a similar problem? What would I say to him or her?

Distortion: Any

Well! What have I just discovered. I’ve never thought about that! When I feel like a loser I’m only thinking about myself and my wicked blues. What if my friend Amanda told me that? “Taylor, I’m such a loser. I didn’t get invited to Jake’s party and everyone will know it. I’m a complete loser. I hate myself. I wish I could just be liked for once!

JACKPOT!


No Amanda, that’s not who you are. You are loved, and a beautiful person. Jake is stupid for not inviting you. His loss.” I would immediately say. What she just said is ridiculously stupid.

I learned a really good lesson last night that I’m going to apply to my life. Right now. I’m going to go back and finish the book.  I’m committed to mental health and looking for ways to give back to my quality of life and be the person I was born to be.