ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Daily Prompt, Depression, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Suicide Prevention, Uncategorized, Weight Watchers

Alone & Vulnerable. You'll never guess what I found.

Today I needed to send out a powerful message that I’ve been harnessing in my soul when I made a discovery earlier this week that if I was weak or didn’t have skills in place I would have been an easy target.  I decided to clean the pantry and I found about .5 of a tall bottle vodka that was from Costco.  It was Kirkland signature and half gone.

 

NOOOOO!!

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I actually wanted to prove to myself that I could pour everything down the train, so I pulled out my phone and started recording the profound moment.  I now have a video that I can go back to my weakest moments and recount the reasons that I announced why I was doing this.  I posted this on Weight Watchers because I made it for the Connect tribe and it was a force of positive force that came with it.

Well – It was the easiest decision I made.

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Every day that I do not drink is every day that I am stronger.  I’m stronger now than I was 12 hours ago when I made the video. NSV = Non Scale Victory.. For WW followers, we’re big on NSV’s! They’re HUGE for us.


 

I don’t want to die young.  I don’t want to be depressed.  I don’t want to be manic. I don’t want this life but I have no choice.

Suicide is not an answer.

I am thrilled to announce that I will be featuring two guest bloggers on my site between now and the end of February.  I’ve chosen these individuals because of the path of freedom they have pursued and how their faith keeps them tied to the ground.

Oh yeah. Here is my progress I’m making with my weight management.

 

 

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Daily Prompt, Debt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Technology, Weight Watchers, YNAB

Accepting what you cannot change.

I saw this tonight and just started laughing.  I love you, Mom.  Whenever you find this post know that I love you to the moon and back.  Nothing will ever change that.

 

I own my disorders.  I own my mental illness.

I own my actions.  I own all my flaws.  I own my history.

I owe it to the world to blog and share my spark with the Universe.  If I have 500 million voices in my head then I can give 500 million future depressed souls my energy and ignite a storm of discussion and positive affirmations in a safe environment.

 

May Monday be forever in your favor.

 

Accepting Yourself! Anxiety, depression, and any other “gifts” you may have. (Don’t blame your mother. It’s not her fault or yours either!)

via Anxiety, Depression, And other “Gifts” You May Have — Psychology Today – Depression

 

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Nourishing the soul

5 months sober and never looking back.

Dear Friends,

For much of my life I was quite an alcoholic.  Struggling with depression it was so easy to want to drink because often times I was so miserably trapped in my head that I couldn’t see a way out of my head unless I drank.  A lot.  It wasn’t healthy in the slightest and I didn’t really care that it was the WORST thing I could do for my depression.  On my Zoloft prescription it even states: Do not drink alcohol while taking this medication!  But did I listen? Fuck no, let’s drink.  <– This is the thought pattern of depression.  Fuck it.  I wanna get DRANK.  <–This is what a typical alcoholic would say right?

5 months ago while sitting at brunch with my partner I randomly decided that that would be my final mimosa because I was ready to change my behaviors because I knew winter was going to be here soon and I needed to get my shit together if I didn’t want to be a depressed mess.  Drinking for me was a social thing.  Of course I want to be social, and you know I’m out there to be liked by everyone so if I’m not drinking.. What am I?? LOSER! <–Cue the Automatic thoughts.. Is this legit?  Yes – it is!  If all my friends are drinking, I have to do it too.  Wait.. That’s peer pressure!  I thought I left that in high school.. But did I?

Nope!  Not in the slightest.  It’s just not called peer pressure anymore.. What do you call it?  Being social?  Not being the loser?  All I want to do is fit in and be liked so I’m going to do it and deal with the consequences later.  I’m not an alcoholic.. I can quit at anytime.  Really Taylor?  Cut this shit out.. Thats not how this works.

After months of discussion with Dr Buckley regarding my substance use I finally took the plunge five months ago and gave up the sauce.  Have I felt totally better?  No.  Am I cured from depression? I WISH!  The simple answer is no.  Alcohol is not the reason for depression.  The reason for my depression is unknown but I do know that I struggled with abusing this substance and I couldn’t keep harming myself.  I’ve spent way too much money on trying to get my life straight and the buzz just ain’t worth it anymore.

I don’t care about fitting in.  I don’t care that people may categorize me as a loser for not being “fun.”  If I can protect my brain and emotions, manage my weight better, and sprint from the onslaught of depression and be a better person because of it?

Friends, you can do anything you want if you put your mind to it.  It’s so easy for us to dismiss the good we do in our lives because we want to bad to be liked by others.  It is human nature to want to be liked.  We are constantly berated with images of flawless perfection and all we want is to be is instantly famous and have a million dollars and thousands of Instagram followers.  We want fame.  We want to be known for our work.  We want to be liked.

At the end of the day.. I’m Taylor and I’m a recovering alcoholic.I’m not famous, I’m not a millionaire, and I don’t have a thousand some followers.  I don’t care about that.  I care about my life, my happiness, and being with good people.  I have no idea when my life is going to end but what I do know is that now is the time.  This is my opportunity to shine and I’m five months sober and I’m full of light.