ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Depression, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Uncategorized, Weight Watchers

This is the life I've waited for.

The sun is shining, and my depression is gone. I haven’t felt an episode since the breakup which is a further sign that everything is working out the way it’s supposed to. I have zero regrets over the last five years of my relationship or the adventures that my ex and I traveled. We toured the world because we were friends. Friendship is the outline of any successful relationship, and we had that covered from day one which I think made the split easier to deal with because I knew I could fall back on my friendship with Colby and know that everything continued going to be okay. Even if we didn’t have Denali, it still wouldn’t have changed anything.
I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and I feel confident in knowing that Colby and I will have a great friendship and that our dog Denali will have a fantastic life because I’m still going to be there for him just as he was there for me through all the tears of breaking up. Dogs are incredibly sensitive to our emotions, and as hard as it is to no longer live with Denali I have his photo up in my crash pad, and I am finding dog fur on the floor already. See. The gift of owning dogs. Their coat goes everywhere you go.
Being single now, and sober I am determined and focused as ever on my continued journey towards health, happiness, AND sobriety. Just because I’m on my own will never give me a reason to run out for a drink, or bring a bottle home and cozy up on the couch and watch reruns of Will & Grace. Yeah no. That is not who I am, and that is not my life anymore. I’ll wait for the Will & Grace no problem however my beverage will be of water substance with zero alcohol in it. No thank you. Alcohol fucks me up. I don’t like to be fucked up. I love being in control of myself and my emotions.
I’ve continued to take the Burns Depression checklist every week (even though my therapist is on holiday for 2wks) I have kept tracking my progress, and I am in the single digits right now for depression management! I scored a seven as my total score out of 50, and the result was ‘Normal, and not depressed.’ HA… Normal. I’m anything but normal. A 7 is outstanding; I’ll take it.

Why do I feel so happy? I have no roadblocks in my way anymore. By the way, before you think it is my ex that was my roadblock that is not the case. The dam was my doubt that I could live a life and supply my happiness without having to rely on another individual to get me through life. Like I said. No regrets! I just realized that I’m about to turn 33 in a week and I wanted more in life. I’ve never had a 2nd relationship. Other than flyboy. But flyboy will always have a special place in my heart. Flyboy and Mark had a short-lived, but our memories last a lifetime

This post is scattered, but that doesn’t matter because I’m writing my thoughts out and allowing the power of moving ideas out of my mind lets me release the Kraken of anxiety and unleash the real beast inside. The athletic, bipolar, self-sustaining happiness, SOBER, fun loving guy.



ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Daily Prompt, Depression, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Suicide Prevention, Technology, Uncategorized, Weight Watchers

Alexa! Keep it up! I feel great!

Good Evening my WordPress followers and everyone that tonight reaches.
What a fantastic day today has been. Full of energy, life, love, and happiness. I happily enjoyed my career today, and I even made it to the gym today and powered thru an hour of HIIT. I feel like I’m finally in control of my life and learning how to love yourself is such an essential step in self-love.  I got to hug my dog tonight and I just realized how lucky I am to own such a beautiful dog and give him an amazing home.

Denali the Great!

As I live my life through blogging, I have realized that there are challenges in my life that I have ignored for a long time and now that I am in control of my life I am facing those issues head on and not backing down.

Everyone loves a gym selfie!

My health is worth it! I am SO proud of myself for achieving my goals for today! I earned 45 Fit Points on Weight Watchers today. I’ll be SKINNY in no time!
I look at myself in the mirror, and I see this incredibly genuine person who is destined to inspire and lead change in this world.

PS.  I’m taking my meds every day and my depression score on Feelin Good is at an all-time LOW.  I can’t wait to tell Chris tomorrow!

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Debt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Suicide Prevention, Technology, Uncategorized, Weight Watchers

Awesome! I feel GREAT! 👍

As I continue to learn more about my self awareness as a mental health blogger I have realized that I have so much more self control over myself because of this blog and the impact that it has had on my life in so many unexpected ways.  My Weight Watchers Connect feed is exploding and I feel SO good knowing that I am kicking ass on the program, attending meetings FINALLY showing up!

Most of all I’m happy that despite the mini meltdown on Saturday I recovered extremely quickly by reorganization my thoughts into better constructive words and made new thoughts in my head by reinforcing teachings from ‘Feeling Good’.  Overall I’m still at the same place I was two weeks ago in the book.. But that doesn’t matter.

I am better today than I was 3 months ago and it’s because of this blog and the impact that I have felt from it.  As I’ve explained to my therapist last Thursday all I do now is work my career, and then focus on this blog solely and building my online YouTube community.  In addition I am working on a miniseries with Weight Watchers Connect community on self help for mental health and provide a friendship to someone that is new to recovery or just needs someone to talk to.

After Tyler Hilinski’s death I’ve just thought more about it and realized just how out of touch the world is with mental illness and that it’s more important than ever before that WE the mental health community and the bloggers UNITE and make some magic happen!  We need to break down these stereotypes and destroy the stigma associated with mental health.    The system is completely broken and it must be fixed.  We cannot afford to lose these innocent children to depression and suicide.


Thank you Followers, Visitor, whoever you are, wherever you are for taking the opportunity out of your day to spend it with me.


I’m really working on daily content!  I’m happy!


WSU Cougars now focus on healing after death of quarterback Tyler Hilinski | The Seattle Times

WSU Cougars now focus on healing after death of quarterback Tyler Hilinski | The Seattle Times


Absolutely brilliant to see the words I represent so printed in the Seattle times article.

I still am having a hard time getting over this. I think it’s because I remember how fragile I was at 21 and who I confided in the most. Please don’t ignore the warning signs. Please help the people that need it the most. Please stop and ask “Hey, Mark! Are you okay buddy? You seem down”

That’s all it takes. Why can’t we make it that simple??


We miss you Tyler. You were a force of love, football, and you showed it everyday on the field and to your teammates. Bravo dude. We will never forget you. #RIP3

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Depression, Suicide Prevention, Uncategorized

Michael Phelps: 'I am extremely thankful that I did not take my life' – CNN

The “hardest fall” was after the 2012 Olympics, said Phelps. “I didn’t want to be in the sport anymore … I didn’t want to be alive anymore.”
What that “all-time low” looked like was Phelps sitting alone for “three to five days” in his bedroom, not eating, barely sleeping and “just not wanting to be alive,” he said.
Finally, Phelps knew he needed help.


ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Daily Prompt, Depression, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Suicide Prevention, Uncategorized, Weight Watchers

Alone & Vulnerable. You'll never guess what I found.

Today I needed to send out a powerful message that I’ve been harnessing in my soul when I made a discovery earlier this week that if I was weak or didn’t have skills in place I would have been an easy target.  I decided to clean the pantry and I found about .5 of a tall bottle vodka that was from Costco.  It was Kirkland signature and half gone.




I actually wanted to prove to myself that I could pour everything down the train, so I pulled out my phone and started recording the profound moment.  I now have a video that I can go back to my weakest moments and recount the reasons that I announced why I was doing this.  I posted this on Weight Watchers because I made it for the Connect tribe and it was a force of positive force that came with it.

Well – It was the easiest decision I made.


Every day that I do not drink is every day that I am stronger.  I’m stronger now than I was 12 hours ago when I made the video. NSV = Non Scale Victory.. For WW followers, we’re big on NSV’s! They’re HUGE for us.


I don’t want to die young.  I don’t want to be depressed.  I don’t want to be manic. I don’t want this life but I have no choice.

Suicide is not an answer.

I am thrilled to announce that I will be featuring two guest bloggers on my site between now and the end of February.  I’ve chosen these individuals because of the path of freedom they have pursued and how their faith keeps them tied to the ground.

Oh yeah. Here is my progress I’m making with my weight management.



ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Daily Prompt, Depression, Finances, Uncategorized

Feeding Wolves & Consequences

A good friend of mine recently shared an article posted on Medium that really got my attention and offered some very practical solutions to fighting off the voices in our heads so we can lead a better and more fulfilling life.

View at

Part of what attracted me to this story was the wolf on the front. Owning a husky I am often asked if my dog is a wolf just by the characteristic of his markings. He’s no wolf but his howl is certainly like the wolf that howls in my head. All 10,000 of them. Surely I must have a pack of wolves in my head.

The issue I with thoughts is that thoughts are very powerful and it is very easy to attach truth to our thoughts. The problem with giving truth to your thoughts is that we will believe anything that we think is true. If I thought it then it must be true. How many of you does this resonate for? Chances are plenty.

It’s not your fault that you establish truth to your thoughts, it’s part of life.

The hard part is being able to slow down the thoughts in our heads so that we are able to break apart the thought and identify what is true or false about it.

Example: I’m such a failure at budgeting. There is no hope for me.

Fact or fiction: Pure fiction.

Down beast! That’s not true at all. Starve the wolf. Don’t give the wolf anymore attention. Your bad wolf will crave your attention and must be stopped.

“NO WOLF” I will not! I’ll say it in a snarky voice as if I’m talking to myself.

Raise the good wolf wisely. Kill the bad wolf with all your energy.

I am in control of my thoughts.

I’m thankful that I am able to use articles like this to carve out my depression and lead a better life because of it.

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Daily Prompt, Debt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Uncategorized, Weight Watchers

Season of self love


I cannot say this enough!  If you change the way you think, you will change the way you feel! 

What a day!  What an amazing day for ME achieving my GOALS.  Nothing is better than knowing that you’re working on your best version of yourself daily.  This blog has allowed me to connect with so many amazing bloggers from all walks of the earth.  My friends whom I haven’t spoken to in decades are finding me online and congratulating me on my journey.   I have never felt more validated and inspired to lead than ever before.  There is this amazing shift in life that happens when you cut out all the bullshit reasons on WHY you refuse to allow yourself to be happy.

Today’s visit to the doctor was absolutely great.  I proved to myself today that I CAN challenge my depression and willfully remove it from my mind.   Depression has no room in my head… No voice.  I’m completely starving the beast and I’ve never looked happier.  I’ve never smiled so much or liked what I saw in the mirror until I started writing.

The dark days of depression are willfully behind me and will NOT repeat.  I am in charge of my thoughts and I am learning how to construct new ones.   New positive affirmation sentences that prove my self-worth and restore my self-esteem.  I willfully will not forlorn myself for any longer for I am worthy of LIFE, LOVE, HAPPINESS, PEACE.

There is no greater gift for yourself than the truth.


ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Debt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Technology, Uncategorized, YNAB

Depression? Not welcome here.

For the 2nd day in a row, I woke up with a smile on my face.  This can’t be real.  Surely I’m in a dream where I cannot wake up.  Wait a sec!  Why is my depression not zapping the morning smile?  Something is wrong.  This is not REAL.

I look at my previous life that I left behind and I see a person that I don’t know anymore.  I’m living through my impulsive moments and I’m really thinking about CBT and continuing to reframe my thoughts and believe me when I say. It works!!  WAIT… WHAT?

As I enter my 8th month of sobriety I have discovered that when I remain clean is when I am in control of my self the most.  I’ve learned that if I sway off the path it will give me an immediate chance to re-introduce bad habits and bring back pain swiftly.  This I know.  I know that I’ve sojourned many times before and found myself in a ditch of depression.  I love myself too much to allow myself to drink again.  I am a strong-willed individual that can resist temptation and pressure from my peers.  It is ridiculously stupid how easy it is to fall into alcoholism.  mmm tastes good.  #NotTodaySatan  Substances do NOT rule my life.

Today was an amazing day actually!  I got to see a movie with my best friend Chloe.  She and I met at my previous company where we worked on a job together.  Fortunately, she didn’t have a single gay man in her life and I instantly took the job.  You need a gay bestie.  I’m amazing.  You’ll see.  Fashion, Designing, Cooking?  I’m definitely a winsome individual. Kid tested mother approved.   Chloe is a great friend to me.  She calls me on my bullshit and doesn’t let me make excuses for the shit behavior of mine or allow me to fall into an old pattern of thoughts without being yelled at.  I don’t think she’s gonna read my blog though.  I don’t think what I do here peaks at her interests which is totally fine.  It’s fine that people aren’t as open as me.

At the end of the day, you have to find what works for you long-term.  The all or nothing days are over.  I am confident that this adventure of blogging and sharing my story is providing the validation that I have been searching for my entire life.

8 months clean and loving my life.




Fun Fact: I'm Allergic to Cats

YAY Barb! First time at daily prompt. It’s great! Really gets you to think creatively and out of the box.

Bipolar Barb

Daily Prompt: Allergic via The Daily Post

NOTE: Ok, so this is my first attempt at using a one-word prompt, which means I’m writing this spontaneously (but with much editing and proofreading because I’m like that), as in today, rather than weeks ahead of time, with tons of revisions, editing, and proofreading. So please bear with me!

About 13 or 14 years ago, I saw an allergist because, well, my allergies were bothering me. When I told her I owned cats, she said to get rid of them immediately. I walked out of the exam room and never went back.

The thing is, I knew I was/am allergic to cats, but not so bad that my eyes tear and swell up, or I sneeze when I go near one. After having been tested as a tween, I know I’m also allergic to dust, weeds, ragweed, all kinds of pollen —…

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