ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, av8r007 @ WW Connect, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Debt, Depression, Finances, Suicide Prevention, Technology, Weight Watchers

Feeling Good! It’s October!

Good Goblin Evening to you!

What a reMarkable weekend it’s been for sure!  I think I’ve felt every emotion this weekend and I didn’t lose my crap either.. Well made Mark!  🙂

Let’s break it down:

Friday: Worked out extensively after work, felt depression lurking.  Not sure why.  Lack of clouds?  Not at all, it was a sunny day.   Depression can sometimes hit us for no reason.  Out of the blue sky.  Is something wrong with me?  No, not.

You’re just a different kind of brain. A unique brain that requires a particular type of care and can entirely lead a fulfilling life filled with dreams and desires just like an anyone else.

Saturday: hit the gym especially hard, and it was a terrific upper body workout if I do say so myself!  My shoulders are exploding!  Woot!  I then met up with my buddy for lunch post workout, and we chowed down on some delicious five guys grub.  Man protein is so critical When I left I felt like I ate a cow, which I did. However, I rest assured knowing that I earned that burger and it was every bit delicious as I thought it would be while ordering it!  But I compromised and got a small fry because I don’t need chips.. Just a taste Mark.  You don’t need the whole buffet Mark.  🙂

Sunday: Today I was supposed to hit the gym hard, but during my walk today in Volunteer Park I felt my lower back start to ache. I fired up the FitBod app that I use for bodybuilding and realized my back recovery percentage was at 43% and I knew today should be a rest day because I’ve been pushing myself extra hard lately.  Not because I’m manic, but because I have a goal in mind of who and what I want to be.   There is nothing irrational about that.

So what’s with the depression?  Why do I feel depressed?

Oh! Dave Ramsey arrived!  You received this gift from your parental units who felt that you could use this and learn from it.

Yes.  You’re right.  I became super defensive when I unboxed the material and saw the various elements.  It was new, it was overpowering, and it was causing me high anxiety.  Instead of racing for the vodka I went to the grocery instead and got some junk food to carb load on AKA binge.  That’s my heroine.  Food.

But hey it’s been over two years since my last drink!  That’s pretty groovy, and a HUGE achievement!

It may be October, and on November 4th we’re turning back our clocks back however my motivation and dedication to staying fit and healthy will only charge forward!

Last, the other day on CNN there was an article written about a recent study that well.. I don’t want to give it away.. All I can tell you is it’s eye-opening. 

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ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, av8r007 @ WW Connect, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Depression, Finances, Technology, Weight Watchers

Change is in the air

I cannot express to you how different I feel this year compared to last.  As I look back in the past year, I see and find so many vast differences in my mood, my outlook, my body, and most importantly my dedication to lead a happy life.    Previously I held a blog stigmaunraveled.com, and while I loved it, I didn’t enjoy the content of it because I felt that it was very dark in nature.  I felt like I’ve really worked on becoming a new person since my relationship with my ex-ended so about a month ago I decided to let the URL run out and close it out.  I imported my content into this blog so it’s there if you so desire, but it’s in the archives.

I am doing daily vlogs on WW, and I absolutely love what I do because I know it works and I know that I am inspiring millions to chase their goals and become their best version of themselves. Just like I have done.  Everything I do I do for Jesus.  I won’t lie.  It’s easy to forget who I do this for.  I remind myself constantly that I do this for Jesus because I know that he is proud of me for the work I do in the mental health community in person and within my online communities.  I included a video I did last night for you below.  If you have WW, you can find me on Connect @av8r007.

I have been working very hard on myself lately, mostly what I think of myself in the mirror and also working on my confidence when interacting with others, especially handsome men that I might be interested in getting to know. :).   I still have a hard time bringing up that I don’t drink anymore.  It’s odd.  My friends are out drinking on the weekends, and I couldn’t be happier at home either working on my YouTube channel (upcoming) or working on this blog. Writing/Recording/Vlogging brings me great joy in life.  Drinking alcohol brings me nothing but pain and suicidal thoughts and tendencies.

It wasn’t that I had a problem with alcohol, well maybe heavy pours. It was the fact that after a night of drinking I’d want to buy a gun the next day and blow my head off.  Why? Alcohol is a depressant.  I am bipolar.  I cannot drink. My life is highly valuable compared to the cost of what alcohol would cost me.  I sometimes get worried about when I go on holiday about drinking.  Oh well, my why matters more.  I’ll just take it as it comes to me.

I’ve been hard at work in the gym, and I couldn’t be happier with the results that I’m driving.  My training schedule is pretty routine which I love because routine should have been my name!  I train as follows../Tuesday/Wednesday/Friday/Saturday/Sunday.  My growth days are now Thursdays and Mondays.  Thursdays because I have weekly therapy now with my therapist Chris.  It’s hard to believe I’ve been seeing my therapist Chris for six years now.  It was just yesterday I was being diagnosed.  My how my life has changed since my diagnosis.  No regrets

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ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Finances, Suicide Prevention, Weight Watchers

Depression can piss off!

Hey there Folks!

What a beautiful Saturday it is in Seattle!  I woke up this morning after feeling pretty sour going to bed last night due to a mixed bag of emotional distress.  Mostly about my ex, my past drinking addiction, and my commitment to maintaining my sobriety above all us.

Instead of waking up and turning on the TV as I typically do, I looked at my watch and said ‘I need to prioritize my day.’  If I sit here and do nothing except wallow in my self-misery then I’m going to start binging more than I already have on junk food, and worse I’ll just sneak farther away into depression and when depression gets really bad it can trigger a manic episode and that is the last thing I want to have to happen.  I will do whatever it takes to prevent a manic/mania incident from forming and lashing out.

I grabbed a protein shake and I headed to the gym.  For all the anger that I have in this world, nothing feels better than to bottle it up and let it explode on the barbell.  For every time I complete a rep of 10 bicep curls with every breath I can see the demon leaving me.  With every push up I can feel the demon trying to sit on my back and push me down, but I say Piss off Depression, you’re not welcome here.  You never were.

I am fearless.  Depression does not own me.  Depression does not control me.  The demon will never win.  Jesus Christ is on my side and that’s the way is gonna be!

 

 

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Daily Prompt, Depression, Finances, Nourishing the soul, Suicide Prevention, Weight Watchers

6-months of awesomeness!

I remember October 24 of last year so much. I felt trapped, I felt alone, and all I wanted to do was cry and eat whatever I could because I felt like I wasn’t worth shit and felt like my life was completely falling apart.

Since 10/24/17 I have worked fearlessly on myself and I couldn’t be happier.

I’m single!

I’m sober! #16months without ONE sip of alcohol!

And I’m down 35 lbs!

This is the life I’ve always wanted and I finally am getting what I deserve!

HAPPINESS!

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Depression, Finances, Nature, Suicide Prevention, Technology, Weight Watchers, YNAB

Are you OK?

If I could collect $1.00 from every person that asked me if I’m doing okay since the breakup I’d be a millionaire… But I still wouldn’t be able to afford to live in Seattle..  It’s just fucking expensive here.. There is no other way of saying it.  $1200 a month for a shared kitchen, but I have my own space entirely and my private bathroom. Thank you JESUS!  I don’t have to share a bathroom anymore!  The things we look forward to at 33.

Speaking of 33, I don’t feel 33 in the slightest.  I feel like I’m 26 again.  I moved to Seattle when I was 28 from Phoenix and man was it a change.  Moving to Seattle, I was so eager to be in the cold weather, but I severely underestimated how much it really rained in the Northwest and how many gray days we would have each year.  226 days a year of clouds…. seriously..  I’ve learned that to love the Northwest and live here year after year, you must know how to make your own sunshine.

So I ask myself.  What am I doing now at 33 that makes me feel 26 again?  Easy.

I put me first every day.

Mental, Physical, Body, Spirit. I come first.  No exceptions.

I am working hard on everything I touch in life.  I will succeed in this.  I’m all I have, and I need to make this work.   I’ve graduated to bi-weekly therapy now that Spring has sprung and the sun is out more.  I see it as a huge win.

My ex and I are even hanging out together as friends, and it’s working out really well for us.  We both knew our relationship was over and we both knew that our happiness mattered more in life.  Five years was a long time for being my first real-life relationship.   You ask ‘Are you OK?’  and I remind myself that if you’re only asking because you love me.  I love you too.  Always and forever.  We can be great friends.  I’m great at that. 🙂

I’ve also lost 35.7 pounds since October 24th, 2017.  I follow Weight Watchers online, and I fucking love it.  I finally own my journey, and I love it.

Zero depression! 16 months sober too!  WHATTTT!

 

 

 

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Daily Prompt, Debt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Suicide Prevention, Technology, Weight Watchers, YNAB

I really didn't expect it to be today.

Feb 5, 2018

I choose happiness over anything else.  No Exceptions.

LOVE ME unconditionally

I choose to be confident

I choose to remain sober

I choose peace.

 

 

 

 

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Debt, Depression, Finances

Half awake and almost dead

Borders and horizon lines

We’re alone but side by side

We’re yet to dream, we’re yet to dream

Nothing here is what it seems

Oh, oh

Oh, oh

There’s an animal inside

There’s a fear that won’t subside

Of all the things I’ll never do

Will I ever follow through?

There’s an animal inside

There’s an animal inside

Half awake and almost dead

Keeping empty beds elsewhere

We’re yet to bleed, we’re yet to bleed

All the time and energy

Oh, oh

Oh, oh

Could we try to reinvent

Feed the head with common sense

Through the streets and avenues

I’m climbing up the walls with you

Climbing up the walls with you

I’m climbing up the walls with you

Half awake and almost dead

Keeping empty beds elsewhere

We’re yet to bleed, we’re yet to bleed

All the time and energy

Oh, oh

Oh, oh

And if we could be still, still, be still

If we could be still, still, be still

ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Debt, Depression, Finances, Nourishing the soul, Suicide Prevention, Technology, Weight Watchers

What a ride!

WOW, guys…

A few days ago I had the worst depression episode of my entire life when my partner and I decided to have a conversation regarding the potential of opening up our relationship a bit more because maybe.. things just weren’t happing at home?? These types of relationships are common in our world and I’ve just found that being in a committed relationship for the past five years has kinda worn thin on me and really made me question why I’m even with him if I’m so unhappy..?
Friday night was the end of the last five years of my life with my partner. I wish he understood me more. I feel like in order to fully be free inside a relationship your partner must understand you 150% and vice versa. It’s a two-way road and requires equal emotional input. I couldn’t give it to him, and he couldn’t give it to me either… Guess what? That’s totally OK.

No relationship is perfect and mine certainly wasn’t.
I am thankful for the last five years of our lives together. I have learned so much about my life and what I want to achieve in this life.

We’re working out the custody arrangements of my husky. It breaks my heart to even have to move out soon but none the less separate myself from the dog that kept me so happy despite a turbulent relationship. At the end of the day I am 32, soon to be 33 in two weeks and I’m single. I got together with my ex when I was 28 and it ended when I was almost 33. What a ride.
For something that I didn’t think would last more than six months, it proved to be an experience from around the world. Selfies in Mexico. Selfies in front of the Eiffel tower. OMG. Selfies with our beers in London. What fun we had! I have zero regrets over what happened in our relationship Colby. This was an amazing experience to be a part of and you have taught me so much. I am sober now and as I soon enter my eleventh month of sobriety I must be on my game and continue to achieve success.
My depression over the breakup comes and goes. I have random fits of sobbing, and asthma induced laughing of the memories we’ve shared. Thank you, Colby, for teaching me how to do manual labor. I can say that I’ve scrapped popcorn ceilings before! I can say that I’ve ripped the carpet up! Fuck, what fun we had. I’m going to miss enjoy our friendship. I’ve been told I’m better at friendships than relationships anyways. That’s not true. I just haven’t met you yet.
I’m going to be single for a really long time. I’m thinking two years at least. I have so much shit I need to work on. Pay of mounds of debt, student loans, everything. I need to fix me before I allow myself to open up again to someone else.
Life is good. I have no complaints. Depression doesn’t live here anymore.

PS.  I’ve been back at the gym working hard on my fitness and my Weight Watcher goals.  I’m down almost ten pounds and I’m definitely feeling a LOT better.  I certainly feel a lot sexier.    Amazing!  Single looks good on this mug.

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ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Daily Prompt, Depression, Finances, Nature, Nourishing the soul, Suicide Prevention, Weight Watchers

CBT for the win! Omg!

Well I’ve been absent from my blog for a few days and I have a really good reason. I’ve been working on my self image, and working to improve my self love and workflow. Sounds amazing right?

Well it is, because for the first time in my life I am taking control of my life and the actions that take place in my life. I’ve spent my entire life making stupid decisions without thinking about long term consequences. I’ve often struggled with immediate gratification and I’ve come to understand the differences between a “Need” and a “Want.”

I need to get my shit together so I create a better life for my life. My life depends on it. Suicide is not an option for me. I believe that God created me to be an amazing human that is born to lead and to shine. I don’t believe God made me bipolar instead I firmly believe it was due to my childhood, and already knowing my brain was different from day 1 1985. Remember the XYY? One of the known genetic traits of XYY is behavior problems.. gee ya think?

Instead of being shameful of the choices that I’ve made in my past I am going to embrace the shame and reverse it into feeling love, and looking for divine power to rid my body of the evil within. Depression is a monster and I’m definitely hiring some exterminators to come remove the nasty beast because I refuse to let it claim habitat at my house!

Yesterday I went back to the gym. I took a really long time off from the gym and I regret it. I’ve become a house since I quit running and I’m not proud of it. However again, rather than shaming myself over my weight I will turn it into positivity and tell myself the following:

“Mark, you’re doing an amazing job with Weight Watchers and you’re seeing results! Hold steady and stay committed to this!”

I am doing an amazing job and I’m really proud of myself for how hard I’m working at getting my shit together. Thank you God for giving me the power to change my life!

❤️