ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Depression, Nourishing the soul, Suicide Prevention

Lost among the clouds

Rapid Cycling.. Don’t I fucking love it.   Just when I feel like it’s improving.

 

With all the death that is occurring around me I feel like if someone wants to google “What does depression feel like?” I think you should land on my blog.

 


 

 

Lately ever since my last argument with my partner, I’ve been at odds with myself over the whole mess. I’ve been really depressed the past two days while I’ve been alone while I’ve also been sick with the flu. Really I ask you what else you can throw at me next big G?

I’ve always grown up with my mum always repeating in my head “god doesn’t give you anything you cannot handle.”

Ok mother, says who? Who says that is true? Because honestly I’m not so sure that’s correct. I’ve dealt with a lot of demonic shit in my life AKA bipolar disorder and I’ve often thought how much I just can’t handle that anymore.

I was suppose to see my therapist tonight but traffic was misery and I was on the bus for close to two hours. It was shit. Fortunately Chris called me and I was able to chat with him by phone for a bit. Thank god for him really. I’d be dead without my therapist. I’m not joking.

What is the goal of depression? Is it suicide? Or is it to treat it as best we can and “hope for the best?”

Am I blogging to better equip myself to handle my depression? Absolutely.

Is it working? You betcha

So what’s the problem?

My deranged thinking patterns

I’d say I’m still battling this episode absolutely.

I really want to move out of Washington state someday. I absolutely hate winter here. Fucking. Hate. Winters.

I swear I’ve been taking my meds. Everyday. But just because you take your meds doesn’t mean shit. You still struggle. It’s just a bandaid.

I just got word today that another childhood friend of mine committed suicide back home.  I’m just at a loss for words right now that how corrupt my depression rages inside me and how it’s mission is to destroy anything it touches.

 

3 thoughts on “Lost among the clouds”

  1. It’s difficult to know for me what to say in situations like this but I am gonna say take a deep breath, and be present. You are not feeling good but it’s temporary friend. Talk to your loved ones. Talk to the ones you feel safe. Sometimes just talking makes not everything but some things better

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Please remember sweetheart, that everyone has bad days. As you said, the meds are just a bandaid (a bandaid for a sawn off limb) they don’t numb you (hopefully) so you will still feel shit sometimes.
    Especially if there is a reason.
    You have to allow yourself time to grieve. It is close butbit is not depression. Just remind yourself that it is just a cloud passing over the sun. Light will return soon. Stay strong lovely. Reach out when you need it. Be brave. Keep blogging. Keep going. All the love xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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