As a depressive individual first it is my biggest encouragement to read WordPress blogs! I feel so connected to everyone here. it’s a feeling I’ve been searching for my entire life and I cannot begin to share with you how good this feels. I’m totally massaging my soul and it feels really good! <–OK that sounded really perverted but I own it.
It is odd often that although we have similar paths our journeys are never the same and the chances of us meeting are stone cold but that doesn’t change the fact that I ultimately care about you and your well-being. Why do I care? Because as an empath I fully believe in my heart that I am destined to do this. Destined to share my heart with you and feel the natural embrace of solitude and friendship. That is what friends are for right? Learning to be myself, however, was quite difficult as you’ve seen me write. My childhood. My memories that really kick me these days.
Let’s start with the basic foundation about how I learned I was different than everyone else.. It started with a phone call when I was 10 or 11 years old when the nurse on the other line was frantically looking for my mother to go over my blood results..You see I was an obese child. Quite obese, and I was constantly reminded as a child how of overweight I was by the people that teased and tormented me rotten.
Fuck you bastards I want to tell you that I forgive your rotten soul for what you did to me. I’ve spent so much time in therapy that I owe it to myself to cut my memories lose and say fuck it, I’m done with that. My thoughts do not define who I am as a person. My thoughts are not real and have zero truth.
About that phone call…”Mark, I need to speak with your mother, Urgently”. Well, what a way to start a conversation! Panicked I didn’t know what the hell was going on. What did the doctors find? Am I going to die? Is that the worst fear we have as children? Are we going to die before we have an opportunity lead our lives? Well to a depressed individual that is very much the case. The feelings that we’re not gonna last long can definitely set in at a young age and the child will have zero control over it because they don’t know what is wrong with them in the first place. After all, it’s “Normal” to them. But what is normal? Normal is pathetic.
My parents assured me that nothing was wrong with my blood work however they made at an appointment with the Phoenix Children’s Hospital so that Mom/Dad/I could meet with a Geneticist who could go over my blood and maybe explain why I was such a little shit? Maybe my parents were looking for a reason why I was so depressed?? I don’t know.. I learned something new about who I was and what I was scientically created as.
I have XYY.
What is XYY? Good question! How good are you with biology?
Quiz? How many sex pairs of chromosomes do humans have?
You should have guessed 23, but that’s not the case for me. I have an XYY, the 24th Chromosome of one male and two female. In return for XYY I got the physique of hulk growing up where I was 6’2″ by 7th grade and my voice hadn’t changed yet.. My voice was still the sound of my mothers and I remember how upset I use to get when people would think I was my mom when I answered the phone…
There has been little research done as to exactly what XYY is and how it is caused. My mother was over 30 when she gave birth to me and at the time it was said that if women give birth after the age of 35 that they run increased risks during pregnancy including twins, triplets.. etc.. Well according to many internet outlets including Wikipedia show XYY as:
The XYY syndrome is a genetic condition in which a male has an extra Y chromosome. Symptoms are usually few. They may include being taller than average, acne, and an increased risk of learning problems. The person is generally otherwise normal, including normal fertility.
Well that’s great that my offspring would be good, but sorry betty.. that boat sank. It’s not the XYY that took away the ability to have children. It’s the fact that I wouldn’t risk bringing damage to a child if I brought him/her into this world because I can barely learn to manage myself. As a child, I quickly learned what I wanted in my future and what I didn’t and I knew when I was young that I would most likely have a difficult life because of the issues that I was faced with. I didn’t know I was bipolar when I was ten.. I just knew I didn’t like girls. Well… I didn’t know gay is what it was called but I could care less about asking anyone out. I barely could understand who I was at 15. Let alone my destiny. I just wanted out of my skin. I wanted to not be me. I was a destructive child.
So here I sit.. 264 in weight (Overweight) 6’4″ which if you’re in anywhere else but America that’s 187CM tall! So yes I’m a tall glass of handsomely XYY loving fat man who is learning first hand what love means and how to love myself. I’m Weight Watchers challenged meaning I have really good intentions to follow the program but I fall short of tracking. I have an amazing community of support in Weight Watchers ‘Connect’ and if you are on there, I’m AV8R007. My followers on Connect are the A team and know it. I feel really connected to them because mental health and weight are directly tied to each other.
I’m not perfect by any means but despite my challenges doesn’t mean that I’m not going to try my hardest in life to be the best version of myself possible. There is no perfect Mark. There is certainly dull and mundane Mark, however, I am working on making sure that the less than ordinary Mark is banished sot hat he will never appear again. Is it the XYY that is causing my disorders and illnesses? Most likely not, but it’s part of the equation so I must accept it and work with it. I can’t deny who I am. I refuse to feed the Wolf.
You don’t choose your mental illness. You don’t choose to be gay. Instead our dreams of who we dream to be instead are carved out in our minds as past time memories just hoping to find balance in life..