ADHD, Automatic Thoughts, Depression, Technology

All I wanted was to be liked and I destroyed myself in the process.

As a manic depressive I’ve often spent my life in the darkness, sulking in my own misery as I wanted to desperately be liked by my peers.  All I wanted was a friend in life.  All I wanted was you to ask me for a sleep over!  It was only my biggest dream when I was younger.  I wanted to be liked SO bad that I would later find out how extreme I would go to be that guy.  The one who had everything he ever wanted.  At the expense of himself.

Growing up I was always accused by my peers as having ‘riches’ and because I lived on the “East” side of town I lived in the rich kids neighbors.  Evidently just because you have a golf club near your house you’re living in the riches… Boy could that not have been farther from the truth!  In the lives of my parents career’s they were so devoted.  All my parents wanted was for my brother and I to have a good childhood filled with safe memories.  My mother and father wanted nothing more than for the kids  to grow up in a safe neighborhood.  When I was three we moved away from Los Angeles for that very reason.. LA just wasn’t safe for kids to grow up according to my parents.

Having the stigma associated with my family having the riches of the ‘East’ neighborhood it was expected that I’d be driving the newest 2002 Honda Accord to school.  Oh god, you showed up in a 1989 Pathfinder?  WORTHLESS you think.  This is JUNK.  You’re expected to have fancy wheels.  You’re expected to sit with the cool kids.  You’re expected to do AMAZING in school because your brother did so well in academics.  There was this association with my name that was passed around my town that we were the TAYLOR’s and they had a HUGE house and a ton of money.

No, we didn’t.  Not in the slightest..  In fact I didn’t realize until I entered my late twenties that I really became thankful for how my parents raised my brother Landon and I.  We were taught to be honest, to love God, to not play football, or ride of the back of a motorcycle, or get a tattoo.. I was taught that life is not handed to you on a plate.  You earn your life.

My mother use to look me straight in the eye and ask me ‘What have you got to show for it?’ ..Annoyed by the comment that she would make I often dismissed it in my head, thought was complete non sense and just didn’t care.  The issue is that when you believe these falsehoods.. You learn to establish truth them and soon these distorted views of the world can really haunt you in life.  You learn to associate joy and happiness off of what you own.  You establish that your self worth is directly tied to what you own because at the end of the day all you desire is to be liked.

You just wanted to be liked.  You just wanted to be invited to the sleepover.



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