Raindrops and iPhone releases.. It must be fall in Seattle.
As I walk home from work I can feel the cool, crisp, air over my jacket and I can see Mount Rainier in the distance covered in snow. I know that winter will be here before I know it and with that comes the nonstop rain that hammers Puget Sound till April. I definitely have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and it wears me dreadfully thin.
I have a ‘Happy Light’ that my phychiatrist and therapist told me I needed to get. Believe me, it helps you out a LOT if you suffer from depression, or SAD. All I need is about 30 minutes a day in front of the ‘happy light’ and I feel a lot better. It’s become an integral part of my fall routine and when I don’t sit in front of my lamp I can be a depressed individual.
With fall here it means only one thing.. Apple will be releasing new phones soon…. Oh joy.. Only because Apple is one of my biggest impulsive opportunities. I am really working hard this year on not rushing out to buy the latest iPhone X which looks gloriously stupid with the “notch..” Yes, I’m a technology nerd and an Apple fanboy…. It causes panic when I can’t have the latest and greatest because I feel so much self worth comes from the products I own. It sounds stupid but I’ve had this belief system my entire life where I feel nobody will want to be my friend if I do not have the latest and greatest device. Not only does that belief cause an insane amount of debt, but it also makes my self worth plummet into oblivion.
The automatic thoughts in my head continue to tell me how worthless I am if I don’t have the latest.. I have to close my eyes, count back from 10, and slowly breath in and out repeating to myself that I am worthy.. I am worthy.. I am worthy.. I am worthy with old technology. Technology does not define who I am as an individual.. (This is what goes on in my bipolar manic head.) The thoughts that go through my mind can be so disturbing yet so electrifing that I feel as if I have to have the best… right now.
To the bipolar manic the thought of GOT TO HAVE IT NOW is incredibly surreal. For now, I’m happy with my iPhone, and tomorrow I’ll be resisting the urge to upgrade because for once in my life I’m going to put what I’ve learned in therapy and apply it to my daily life. It starts with curving the automatic thoughts into something more productive instead. It’s difficult but I know I can do it.
Last, I’m feeling more confident the more I blog and share my journey with you.